Not In His Salad Days Anymore

, | WA, USA | Right | August 1, 2014

(I am a civilian contractor at a military installation’s dining hall. Unlike some of the comfort facilities at the installation, we don’t have restrictions on who can dine here; as long as they can access the installation, they can eat. It is my turn to tear down the salad bar at the end of dinner. I have taken out all of the utensils and begun to pull the dishes, when an older man in civilian clothing comes up behind me.)

Customer: “What are you doing with the salad bar?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Did you order a salad?”

Customer: “No, I just wanted to get a few of these.” *gestures at the fruit mix at the end of the bar*

Me: “So, you did order a salad bar?”

Customer: “No, I just wanted to get a few of these.”

Me: “Sir?”

Customer: “Oh, you mean I have to order a salad bar to get things from the salad bar?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Oh.”

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What The Back Looks Like

| Right | August 1, 2014

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Kindly Deposit Your Two Cents

| Right | August 1, 2014

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Transaction Was Above (Mother)Board

| Victorville, CA, USA | Right | August 1, 2014

(A customer brings in a PC that has an obviously blown motherboard. I take the side off and see black scorch mark on the power supply, and know something had blow badly.)

Me: “Well, I don’t know if the hard drive is good or not. A diagnostic is $50, but if we do repairs we take that off the labor.”

Customer: “Nah, I’ll just replace the board.”

Me: “Do you want us to do it?”

Customer: “No, I have done all this stuff before.”

(Confused then as to why he needed us to do a diagnostic, I sell him a new board. It takes a new CPU, and a new power supply. It happens to use his old RAM and as a freebie, I test it and the new board worked with his. Two days later:)

Customer: “The motherboard you sold me does not work.”

Me: “What? We tested it, with the new power supply. Is it your drive that is dead?”

Customer: “No. It is the board! You sold me a bad board.”

Me: “Well, you saw it work with your RAM. Are you sure it is not just the drives?”

Customer: “No. I told you it is the board!”

Me: “Well, let’s have a look.”

(I open the machine. I disconnect the drives from power and data. I hit the power and smell smoke.)

Me: “Woah! What the h***! Pull the power cord!”

Customer: “See! It is a bad board.”

(I look a little closer because the cards don’t seem to be fitting in very well.)

Me: “Sir, did you mount this on the standoffs?”

Customer: “Standoffs? What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, this board has great pictures in the manual. Here they are.”

(I point out the standoffs and how it shows placing them before mounting the board.)

Customer: “Oh, those. They were in the way so I took them out. I don’t need a d*** book! I know what I am doing!”

Me: “Well, you needed those standoffs. You destroyed this board.”

Customer: “No, I didn’t!”

Me: “Sir, the instructions are clear. You must put in the standoffs. Otherwise all the solder points on the back of the board can short out. This board has been mounted wrong and is probably dead.”

Customer: “I want to talk to your manager!”

(My manager  is already there because the customer is getting louder.)

Manager: “Yes?”

Customer: “This idiot says I mounted the board wrong! He won’t admit he sold me a bad board!”

Manager: “Now, I heard he tested your old RAM when you were here yesterday.”

Customer: “Yah.”

Manager: “And it worked then?”

Customer: “F*** you!”

Manager: “You need to leave now, sir.”

Customer: “I want my money back! You people are f****** crooks!”

Manager: “No, a crook is someone that f**** up their own shit and then tries to blame others for it. Get the h*** out of my store!”

(The customer stormed out and smashed his computer in the parking lot. After stomping on it a few times, he ran over it with his car. It was a shame. It was a nice case.)

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Pizza Topping Flopping

| Scotland, UK | Right | August 1, 2014

(I work in a very small family run pizza shop, I am the only person who takes orders and I take them both on the phone and from the counter. A young woman comes in and orders three pizzas with three unusual topping combinations. As she orders I realize that we already have an identical order that has been phoned in waiting for collection under that name Smith.)

Me: “We already have an order for what you’re asking for, to be collected for Smith. Did someone perhaps phone in the order for you to collect?”

Customer: “Well, that’s my surname but no one has phoned the order in ahead of time. So, it can’t be for me.”

Me: “Sorry, are you sure? Things is, it’s a very unusual order. I can’t imagine one person phoning it in and then another person coming in and ordering the same thing. The phone number they left was [home phone number]. Are you sure no one else could have phoned it in earlier?”

Customer: “No that’s definitely not me. Don’t give me those. Make me mine fresh.”

(The customer leaves with her fresh pizzas and no one has come to collect the order for Smith, so I phone the number left with the order to see why no one has been to collect it. An older woman answers the phone and I explain that no one has been to collect the order.)

Customer #2: “Well, I don’t know how that can be because we are eating it right now!”

Me: “Was it you that collected the order?”

Customer #2: “No, it was my daughter.”

Me: “We did have a young woman in ask for an identical order to your phone order but she assured me, when I told her the name and phone number, that it was not her collection and insisted that we make hers fresh and a separate order.”

Customer #2: “How is that my problem?”

Me: “Well, you see, we have now made two orders for you and you have only paid for one of them. Now we have an order here going to waste and we are out of pocket. I would just advise in future that if someone else is collecting an order maybe you should make sure they not re-order when they arrive to avoid this. It is really not a big deal. It is just policy that I phone and check on uncollected orders. I thought you should be aware of what happened.”

Customer #2: “Oh, I see. So, you choose to phone me and interrupt my dinner to tell me that YOU’RE incompetent and are unable to perform the simple task of taking orders.”

Me: “Sorry, I—” *customer hangs up*

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