How To Identify The Idiot

| Montreal, QC, Canada | Criminal & Illegal, Extra Stupid, Money

(I work at the call centre of a theater.)

Me: “Good morning. You are calling [Theater Name].”

Caller: “I got an email telling me that I’ve been charged for tickets that I didn’t buy! I want a refund! This is fraud! Someone did ‘identity theft’ to me!”

Me: “All right. Let me just see in the account. Can you tell me the email address?”

Caller: “It’s [email address].”

Me: “Okay. I do see that a purchase matches this email address. Are you Marc?”

Caller: “No! I want my money back. This is fraud!”

Me: “However, this seems to be the email of a garage. Do you own a garage? Maybe one of the employees is named Marc and could have used this email address when he made the purchase?”

Caller: “No this is fraud! I don’t have employees!”

Me: “Okay, maybe it’s one of your friends? Do you maybe know a ‘Marc’ living in Laval?”

Caller: “That’s the guy that stole my identity? Do you have his address? Give me his address! I’m gonna go f*** him up!”

Me: “I can’t do that sir. Even if you don’t know the person who made the purchase, sometimes people make mistakes while entering their email address when they make a purchase online. It happens all the time. Now I can verify that you have actually been charged—”

Caller: “This is bulls***! My identity was stolen. This is fraud! FRAUD! I’m calling the cops!”

(He hangs up. Twenty minutes later we get another call.)

Police: “Hi. This is [Name] from the police department. I’m here with a man that says he was victim of identity theft and fraud from your company?”

Me: “Actually, he got an email confirmation of a purchase made under someone else’s name. He hung up before I could verify if his credit card was actually charged.”

Police: “All right. Could you check this with him right now?”

Me: “Sure. Can I speak with him?”

Caller: “Yeah?”

Me: “Like I tried to tell you before you hung up, sir, I can verify if your credit card was actually charged. Could you give me your card number, please?”

Caller: “I DON’T HAVE A CREDIT CARD!”

Me: “…”

Police: “I’ll take it from here. Thank you.” *click*

Easy To Label The Problem Customers

, | Erie, PA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(Instead of repeatedly having to tell customers prices, we have case tags with the name and price listed in front of each product. A customer walks up and I go up to the counter to greet him.)

Me: “Hello! What can I get you today?”

Customer: “Yes, hello. I would like a half pound of this bologna.”

(He walks over to the case that has several different kinds of bologna in it. The case tags are clearly labeled in front of each product. I politely ask again which product he wanted.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, which one did you want? We have [Name Brand #1], [Name Brand #2], and [Name Brand #3].”

Customer: “This one.”

Me: “Sir, I can not see which one you’re pointing to.”

(The man starts to glare at me. He points once again.)

Customer: “THIS… ONE…”

(Finally giving up on the hope he’ll actually say brand of bologna he wants, I walk around the counter to the front.)

Me: “I apologize. Which one did you want?”

(Without speaking, he points to the bologna he wanted.)

Me: “Oh, the [Brand Name] beef bologna.”

Customer: “YES! I’ve been pointing to THAT one.”

(I slice the desired amount of meat for the gentleman and thank him for shopping with us. My coworker then walks up to me.)

Coworker: “That’s okay… I had someone completely ignore the label and ask for the white circle cheese.”

Obama-Careless, Part 2

| MO, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Health & Body, Politics

Me: “This is medical records. How can I help you?”

Patient’s Girlfriend: “My man was in the ER yesterday and we need to know what’s wrong with him.”

Me: “Okay. He just needs to fill out a release of information. I can fax one to you, or mail one to you, or you can come in, whichever is easiest for you.”

Patient’s Girlfriend: “You can’t just tell me?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry. That’s against HIPAA regulation.”

Patient’s Girlfriend: “He’s too sick to come in! And we don’t have no fax.”

Me: “Then you can come in, pick up a release, and then take it back to have him fill it out authorizing his records to be released to you. When you can come back we can give you his records.”

Patient’s Girlfriend: “I don’t have a driver’s license! He doesn’t have one either. This is bulls***!”

(Meanwhile, I can hear the patient in the background, shouting about how he’s ‘paying for HIPAA’ and how everything is Obama’s fault before he finally takes the phone from the girl.)

Patient: “You look here. I f****** need to know now! I’m really f****** sick and I need to know what’s f****** wrong with me! I’ll come get you when I die!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I really can’t release information over the phone. If you’re seeing a doctor who needs to know what you were seen for in the ER, they can contact us and we can send them the records directly.”

Patient: “I’m not seeing no f****** doctor. I don’t have no ‘Obamacare.’ I just wanna know what’s wrong with me!”

Me: *giving up* “Would you like to speak to my director?

Patient: “D*** yes, I’ll speak to your director! I’ll send Obama after you!”

(I attempt to transfer the call to my director. It rings through to her voicemail so I go ahead and transfer him so he can leave a message. After hanging up, I stare at the phone for a few minutes before turning to my coworker next to me.)

Me: “That might be the most occurrences of the f-word I’ve ever heard in five minutes.”

(Ten minutes later, a coworker from another part of the office comes in.)

Coworker #2: “Um, there’s a patient on the phone who’s really upset. He says he needs his records right now.”

Coworker #1: “Is he saying the f-word a lot?”

(Coworker #2 nods and Coworker #1 sighs.)

Coworker #1: “Tell him to see if maybe one of the doctors or nurses who treated him will talk to him and transfer him to the ER.”

(Five minutes later Coworker #1’s phone rings.)

Coworker #1: “Thank you for calling… What? Oh, good grief. I think we just talked to him, but go ahead and put him through. Health Information Management. How can I help you? Mmhm. No, I can’t give you any information over the phone. All right. I’ll hold, but I can’t break the law for him, either.

(My coworker hangs up the phone and catches my curious look.)

Coworker #1: “He told me he was going to transfer me to the White House so I could talk to Obama. When I said I’d hold, he muttered something about his stupid smartphone, and then told me to f*** off and hung up.”

Related:
Obama-Careless