For You, We’re Always Closed, Part 2

| Detroit, MI, USA | Bizarre, Holidays, Theme Of The Month

(Our restaurant is, and always has been, closed on only two days a year: Thanksgiving and Christmas.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I’d like to make reservations for Thanksgiving.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we’re closed on Thanksgiving. Would you like a reservation for another day?”

Caller: “But your website says you’re open.”

Me: “Occasionally our website has tricky wording; perhaps it was another of our locations that’s decided to remain open for the holiday.”

Caller: “No, it says you’re open.”

Me: “I assure you, ma’am, we are closed on Thanksgiving.”

Caller: “It says you’re open. I’d like to make a reservation for Thanksgiving.”

Me: “Ma’am, we are only closed for Thanksgiving and Christmas, as it’s been for the past six years. I promise you, we are not open on Thanksgiving.”

Caller: “BUT IT SAYS YOU’RE OPEN. YOU’RE OPEN! I WANT A RESERVATION!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure what to tell you. We are closed on Thanksgiving. No one will be here to cook for you.”

Caller: “I JUST WANT A FREAKING RESERVATION!” *click*

Me: *to my manager* “Well… that was fun.”

Related:
For You, We’re Always Closed

Don’t Feed It Rock, Paper, Scissors Or Spock

| OR, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Time

(A customer comes in and explains that her daughter caught a lizard. People frequently come in for advice on their wild-caught animals, so I start explaining what proper care would be. Before this, she expressed general shock at several things, including having to provide heat and light for the lizard she wanted to shut in the dark of her garage.)

Me: “And so you’ll want to primarily give them crickets and mealworms, occasionally waxworms.”

Customer: “I see… And are green crickets okay too?”

Me: “Er, that sounds like a grasshopper. I’m sure it would be fine; I’m not entirely sure how they compare with crickets.”

Customer: “But if I catch them outside, I can use them?”

Me: “I wouldn’t recommend it, you’re taking a risk that they could have sprays and toxins on them. Ours are only 10 cents each. I think it—”

Customer: “So, how do I catch crickets?”

Me: *pause* “I’m not entirely sure. I don’t know anyone who catches their own crickets from the wild. It would be much easier to just buy them.”

Customer: “Well, how about if I just feed it dog food?”

Me: “No. I would definitely not recommend you feed dog food to a lizard. They really should be eating crickets, at least, and mealworms.”

Customer: “So, how long do they live without food?”

Me: “Um. I would guess no longer than a week or so.”

Customer: “So, when should I let it go if I can’t feed it?”

Me: “If you can’t feed it, I would let it go immediately.”

Customer: “But I want to try and catch crickets. How long should I wait? Like, when is the lizard’s expiration date?”

Me: “I wouldn’t go for more than a couple of days without feeding it.”

Customer: “But when should I let it go?”

Me: “A couple of days.”

Customer: “But what date is that?”

Me: “The 15th.”

Customer: “So, you’re telling me I can only wait a day, then I have to let it go?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Okay, thank you!”

Incheon Further Away From The Answer, Part 3

| New Bedford, MA, USA | Bigotry

(I work in a gas station in a predominately Hispanic and Portuguese neighborhood. I am half Korean and half European (mostly from Germanic countries), and I don’t speak a lick of Spanish or Portuguese.)

Hispanic Customer: *walks in and starts speaking to me in Spanish*

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Hispanic Customer: *looks annoyed and keeps speaking in Spanish*

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t speak—”

(At this point, the customer becomes irate and begins yelling at me, first in Spanish, and then in English.)

Hispanic Customer: “Stupid b****! Don’t tell me you don’t speak no Spanish when you’re f****** Puerto Rican, stupid c***. Who the—”

Me: “I’m not Spanish.”

Hispanic Customer: *suddenly becomes meek* “Oh. You’re not?”

Me: “Not even close.”

Hispanic Customer: *blushes and mumbles* “Sorry. Could I use your bathroom?”

Me: “It’s right down that hall, sir.”

(He bolts into the bathroom, does his business, and runs out of the store looking embarrassed. At this point, my boss walks out of the office.)

Boss: “You don’t even look f***ing Spanish!”

Related:
Incheon Further Away From The Answer, Part 2

Toy Glory

| MD, USA | Rude & Risque

(I am assistant manager at an adult novelty item store. Two teenage girls approach the counter giggling to themselves. They sheepishly each place a particular kind of adult novelty item on the counter.)

Me: “Would you ladies also require batteries for your items?”

Girl #1: “Oh, these don’t come with batteries?”

Me: “No, it’s typically how the manufacturers of these products save money on production.”

Girl #1: *giggles* “No, thank you. I’m buying this for a friend.”

Girl #2: “Yes, me too. I’m also buying this for a friend. She won’t need batteries.”

(I conclude the purchase with the embarrassed young ladies and begin to assist the next customer, a woman in her late 20s/early 30s.)

Woman: “Yes, I will be needing batteries because I’m buying this for me!”

Me: “Can I please shake your hand?”

Mama Puts A Stammer In Your Swagger

| OH, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Top

(I’m up working the cash register on a slow day, when a teenage boy comes up. He looks to be about 14. He’s sagging his pants, trying to look tough.)

Customer: “Hey, baby.”

Me: “Hi there, sir. How can I help you today?”

Customer: *leans on the counter* “You can get me your number.”

(I’m 25, and engaged.)

Me: “Sorry, but that’s not going to happen. Can I help you with anything else?”

Customer: “Why the f*** not, you stupid b****?!”

Me: “One: That would be illegal. Two: I am happily engaged. And three: even if I ignore the first two, it’s against company policy.”

Customer: “You’re a f***ing b****! You should be happy I want a piece of your a**!”

(As the customer continues ranting and raving, a woman appears behind him. She reaches out and taps his shoulder twice.)

Customer: “What the f*** do you want—”

(He turns around. All the color drains from his face. He manages to squeak out some words.)

Customer: “Hi, mama.”

(She smacks him across the face.)

Customer’s Mom: “I did not raise you to be a self-entitled douche-bag! I did not raise you to think you are better than this poor girl!” *she grabs him by the ear, and shoves him against the counter, facing me* “Now, apologize!”

Customer: “But mom!”

Customer’s Mom: “Now!”

(He looks close to tears. He mumbles out how sorry he is, and how it wasn’t fair of him to treat me like a piece of meat. His mom, by his ear, pushes him towards the door.)

Customer’s Mom: “Go.”

(He walks out of the store, ready to cry. She turns to me, gives me a huge smile, apologizes again, and even buys me a gift card. Apparently there are some good parents still out there!)

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