Demands Are In The Clouds

| Australia | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Transportation

Customer: “I would like to send a pallet on an overnight service.”

Me: “That’s not a problem, sir; we can pick that up this afternoon.”

Customer: “I want it to go on the airplane.”

Me: “Sorry, sir. Due to the size of the item it will be traveling on the truck, but it will still get there for delivery tomorrow.”

Customer: “No. I want an air service, not road!”

Me: “Sir, we provide an overnight and off peak service. How it gets there is irrelevant. Your item will still be received tomorrow.”

Customer: “NO, I NEED IT THERE TOMORROW! IT HAS TO GO ON THE AIRPLANE!”

Me: “Sir, your item will not physically fit on the small aircraft we use, but it will have no problems getting to its destination overnight by road.”

Customer: “NO, YOU ARE NOT LISTENING! I NEED IT THERE TOMORROW! IT HAS TO GO ON THE AIRPLANE!”

Me: “Sir, it WILL get there tomorrow. It will just be traveling by truck. Like I said before, we supply an overnight service. It gets there however it can for next day delivery.”

Customer: “BUT I WANT IT TO GO ON THE AIRPLANE SO IT GETS DELIVERED TOMORROW!”

Me: *head desk*

Can’t Hear You Over Your Colon

| MI, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

(I’m in the waiting room of the endoscopy center, waiting for my grandma to come out from her colonoscopy. A nurse opens the door and reads aloud from a chart.)

Nurse: “Theodore?”

Old Man: “Yes?”

Nurse: “Okay, so you’re Theodore?”

Old Man: “Yes, ma’am.”

Nurse: “And you’re here for a colonoscopy today, correct?”

Old Man: “What?!”

Nurse: “A… colonoscopy?”

Old Man: “NO! My WIFE is!”

Nurse: “Oh. You’re not Theodore?”

Old Man: “You said PETER, so I answered you!”

Nurse: “… Okay, then. Is Theodore here?”

(An old man walks from the back of the waiting room.)

Theodore: “I’m sorry. I heard him answer, so I assumed another Theodore was ahead of me.”

Peter: “Well, I know one thing. I am not deaf, and she definitely said Peter first.”

Theodore: “Well, I am deaf, and she said Theodore. You may need your hearing checked, sir.”

No Point Crying Over Stolen Milk

| USA | Criminal & Illegal, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

(Milk is subsidized in my state so we don’t offer cash refunds or exchanges unless the product is spoiled or damaged. One man has been exchanging half-empty milk every week for six months claiming each time that the container is leaking. He does it with different clerks and it takes a while before everyone realizes he’s scamming us. As manager, I ask my clerks to let me know if they see him come in so I can talk to him.)

Customer: “I’d like to exchange this milk.”

Me: “Sure, we can certainly do that. Man, you have some rotten luck!”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, you just always seem to have leaky milks. Looking at how little is remaining, it must have really made a mess in your fridge!”

Customer: “Oh. Yeah.”

Me: “Wow, going through a milk every week? I wonder if [Milk Company] knows they have so many leaky containers. I should track this and notify them.”

Customer: *nervously* “I don’t think that’s necessary.”

Me: “Oh. Well, a leaky gallon every week for six months? That’s unacceptable. Maybe you should try another brand? You know, [Milk Company]’s headquarters are just one town over. I could just call them and have them inspect this.”

Customer: *alarmed* “Oh, no, no! It’s fine. I’m all set.”

Me: “Are you sure? Hey, why don’t we go pick out a gallon together. That way we’ll KNOW it isn’t leaking?”

Customer: “Oh, uhhh. I’m sure I won’t have any problems anymore.”

Me: “I really appreciate you letting us know there is an issue with their packaging. I’ll be sure to keep an extra close eye on your milk from now on.”

(The customer leaves in a hurry and we never see him again!)