I’m scanning a customer’s items, and one of the items is a medicinal-looking cream.

Customer: “That cream is on sale, so that’s good.”

Me: “I’m glad you found it at a good price.”

Customer: “It’s for my man-parts.”

Me: *Scans faster*

Customer: “It’s because that b**** gave me a rash.”

Me: *Scans faster still*

Customer: “Why do b****es always gotta be b****es? I ain’t ever been with a b**** who wasn’t a b****!”

Me: *Scans furiously*

Customer: “Seriously, I got so many rashes down there. Why are women all b****es?”

Me: “Sir, if you wish to continue this conversation, I’m going to have to ask you to lie on a couch and start paying me a hundred bucks an hour!”

Minimum wage was not worth that trauma! Thankfully, he paid and got out there without venting any more of his issues, either medical or mental!

Related:
TMI Am Out Of Here!

CONTENT WARNING: Eating Disorder, Child Neglect
 

A friend of mine growing up had obscenely rich parents, a multi-million-dollar mansion, etc. He was an only child. When he was about twelve or thirteen, they used to leave him home alone for a night or a weekend while they went out to lavish galas. He was technically just old enough to be responsible for that amount of time, but he was immature in the way that teenage boys are. So, when they left him money to order a pizza (these parents never, ever cooked for themselves), he would keep the money to buy video games and just not eat.

Fast forward a few years. The loneliness and the lack of parental concern about his skipping meals led him to have a pretty serious eating disorder. Fortunately, they finally got him some good counseling and a nutrition coach, so he was getting healthy again by the time we graduated high school, but all of that would have been unnecessary if they had just been responsible parents in the first place.

Once his parents finally noticed something was wrong, part of his recovery plan involved getting a dog to keep him company. It was a tiny, fashionable dog that would look stylish in front of their mansion, but still, I think that was one of the best choices made by those questionable parents. The kid loved that dog to pieces.

I’m in line at the checkout, and the customer immediately in front of me is being 100% a jerk. There is a noticeable delay between the cashier scanning each item and the machine sounding the recognizable “beep” sound that indicates the item has been scanned. This is making the customer ahead of me angry.

Customer: “Why are you scanning so slowly? Are you slow, too? Have I got into the ‘special’ lane?”

Cashier: “The network is running slower than usual, so I can’t scan as fast as I usually would without risking missing an item.”

Customer: “So then skip an item! I’ll pay less, and you’ll learn how much it costs to keep your customers waiting!”

Cashier: “I’m afraid I can’t as management has explained—”

Customer: “Well, management is who I am going to be complaining to when I tell them that their cashier is scanning so slowly that all the customers think she’s a f****** r****d!”

That’s it; he’s gone too far. I employ my de-escalation tactic, which usually works, by speaking up to the cashier.

Me: “Wow, I would like to interject to say that I’m amazed at how professionally you’re handling this impolite conversation and crazy situation. I would like you to know that I intend to speak to your management to give you a good review and ask if they can give you a bonus.”

The customer stared at me, and I stared back, trying my best not to blink. He just sighed angrily and finished his transaction without any more verbal abuse.

Sometimes NOT matching their energy and acting like their temper tantrum is like water off a duck’s back — while clearly taking the employee’s side — really deflates the enthusiasm of the badly behaved customer!

Related:
Kill Them With Kindness

My brother-in-law and my sister are born-again Christians of ten years, in a sect that does not condone alcohol or gambling. I have no problem with this ethos, but [Brother-In-Law] loves to shove his religious views down our throats at every family event… and it’s draining.

My parents were brought up in the same religion but are very laid back about the rules. They believe that what they do is their choice alone; everybody else can do their own thing. I’m agnostic.

I play the national lottery (£2 a week), and I like to have a glass of wine with meals out. [Brother-In-Law] comments on this every time we meet. He comments, “It’s a sin.” I say, “Only for you, not for me.”

This year, I won a few thousand in the lottery. I decided to give away some money to my parents and in-laws so they could go on a lovely holiday next year with the grandkids.

[Brother-In-Law] found out about the money and got my sister to call me to ask for their share.

Me: “[Brother-In-Law] has made it very clear that gambling is a sin and any money received is tainted by that sin. I wouldn’t want him to compromise his faith by accepting sinful money.”

My sister laughed and said she would relay the message to [Brother-In-Law].

[Brother-In-Law] is now not speaking to me. Oh, dear, what a shame.

Customer: “I see you’ve expanded your self-checkout area… again. At the expense of your human-operated checkout lanes… again.”

Me: “Well, not me personally, but yes, the store did add more self-checkouts as there seems to be a higher demand for them.”

Customer: “It’s so sad that this is where our country is heading. People don’t want to talk to each other anymore. Whatever happened to friendly human interaction?”

I scan her bread and pass it to the bagger. The customer immediately goes through a personality change.

Customer: “Don’t you dare put that in the bag first! It’ll get crushed, you moron!”

Bagger: “I was just putting it aside, ma’am. I wasn’t going to bag it—”

Customer: “I don’t believe you. You’re just saying that now because I spoke up. You’re lucky I am here using the original checkout lanes and keeping you boys employed! If I used the self-checkouts, I’d be doing your job for you! Next time, I think I will — and I’ll demand an employee discount from the manager for doing your jobs for you!”

The next customer in line has had enough.

Next Customer: “Whatever happened to friendly human interaction?”

Customer: “They’re being incompetent!”

Next Customer: “They’re being lovely human beings. You’re being a monster. Just hurry up and let them finish so we can all get moving.”

Customer: *To me* “See what I mean? This country is getting worse. No one wants to have social interactions anymore!”

Next Customer: “If these last few minutes are an indication of what you’re like, then it’s no wonder you only have checkout operators to talk to.”

Customer: “Shut up!”

Next Customer: “I’m sorry you’re lonely, but it’s your problem, not the baggers’.”

Customer: *To me* “Make her shut up!”

Me: “Uh… how about we all just stop talking until it’s time to pay?”

Mercifully, everyone took my advice!

Related:
Self-Check Yourself Before You Self-Wreck Yourself, Part 7
Self-Check Yourself Before You Self-Wreck Yourself, Part 6
Self-Check Yourself Before You Self-Wreck Yourself, Part 5
Self-Check Yourself Before You Self-Wreck Yourself, Part 4
Self-Check Yourself Before You Self-Wreck Yourself, Part 3