Today You Were Helped By Me, Myself, And I

| Milwaukee, WI, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Bad Behavior

(I am covering a break in the music department and help a middle-age woman find a CD. Immediately after that I head to the cafe to cover a break there as well, and the same customer comes through to get a drink.)

Customer: “Didn’t I just see you?”

Me: “Nah, that was my twin. We wear the same clothes.”

Customer: “Well, you tell her she was very nice. She helped me find what I wanted.”

Me: *to coworker, after customer leaves* “I’m gonna go to the registers now and see if I can convince her I’m triplets…”

Very Black Comedy

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

(My friend and I arranged a double date to introduce my girlfriend and me to his girlfriend, who is blind and uses a guide dog. We went to a fairly fancy restaurant that keeps the lights low. Her guide dog is a black lab, so there are a few close calls from passing servers. Shortly after having the appetizers delivered to us we’re approached by one of the servers.)

Server: “Hello. I’m so sorry to inconvenience your party this evening, but we noticed that your guide dog is quite dark and hard to see in the aisle. If it’s not too much of trouble would you mind if we relocated you a part of the restaurant with less traffic?”

(The server motions towards one of the unoccupied booths at the back corner of the restaurant. We’re pretty much right in the path from the kitchen to the rest of the restaurant.)

Me: “What, because he’s black you’re going to toss us at the back of the restaurant?!”

(The server stands there for a few seconds wide eyed and stammering, obviously not knowing what to say. My friend and I lose our poker face and break down into laughter.)

Friend: “Don’t worry about it, man. We’re just f****** with you. If you didn’t ask us, we were going to ask you if we could move anyway.”

Doesn’t Have The Magic Touch

| LA, USA | Crazy Requests, Movies & TV, Religion

(My coworker and I are discussing Harry Potter: which book was our favorite, which movie, what we would have liked to have seen in the movies, etc. when a customer walks in.)

Customer: *scowling at us* “You shouldn’t read those books. They teach the devil’s work!”

(My coworker and I reply at the same time.)

Coworker: “Not really.”

Me: “Not in the slightest.”

Customer: “YES, THEY ARE! They have magic in them so they teach the devil’s work!”

Me: *smiling* “Humor me here, okay?”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Your little girl watches Disney, right? And she really loves the Disney Princesses, right?”

Customer: *proudly* “Yes! She’s growing up on good, wholesome family movies like I did!”

Me: “Okay, so she loves the Princess movies. Who is her favorite?”

Customer: “Right now it’s Rapunzel.”

Me: “You mean the Disney Princess who has magical hair because her mother ate a magical plant to save her when she was pregnant with Rapunzel? The same Rapunzel who was kidnapped by a witch and kept in a tower?”

Customer: “Yes! The witch was evil! She wanted to use Rapunzel’s magical hair all for herself.”

Me: “Right. Rapunzel’s magical hair that healed people when she sang.”

Customer: *snottily* “What’s your point?”

Me: “My point is that you let your child watch Disney movies that are full of talking animals, magical hair, enchanted furniture, etcetera, etcetera, but you don’t think my coworker and I should read Harry Potter because it has magic in it, making it the devil’s work.”

Customer: “That’s right!”

Me: “You see the flaw in your logic, right?”

Customer: *loudly* “There is no flaw! Magic is evil and that’s that!”

Me: *rubbing my temples* “Right. Did you actually need anything tonight?”

Customer: “No! I think I’ll go to the dollar store down the street instead!”

Me: “You do that, ma’am.”