How To Cancel Death, Part 2

| Dallas, TX, USA | Liars & Scammers, Spouses & Partners

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, hello. I’m calling to cancel my service because, you see, my wife is no longer with us. I haven’t been able to get into the account for some months now because, of course, I didn’t have her info.”

Me: “Oh, I understand. I’m sorry to hear that. Let me pull up your account.”

(In the background, I hear a woman’s voice.)

Woman: “Honey, where are the car keys!?”

Customer: “Shut up! You’re supposed to be dead!”

Woman: “WHAT!?” *click*

Related:
How To Cancel Death

Didn’t Study The Bear Necessities

| MT, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

(A tourist runs into the ranger station looking really scared.)

Tourist: “Help! There’s a grizzly bear in the parking lot. A grizzly bear! He chased my kids!”

(The rest of the rangers and I grab our guns and run out to the parking lot to chase off the bear and make sure no one is hurt. When we get outside, we look around but don’t see the bear.)

Rangers: *yelling* “Where is it?! Where is the bear?”

Tourist: *pointing frantically* “It’s right there! Right there between those cars! Shoot it!”

(We continue to look around but don’t see the bear while the tourist continues to point and scream. Finally, one of the rangers notices a marmot running between two cars.)

Ranger: *pointing at the marmot* “Wait. Is that what you mean? That little brown animal right there?”

Tourist: “Yes! That’s it! Shoot it, quick!”

Ranger: “Sir, that is a marmot, not a grizzly. Marmots are just really big ground squirrels.”

Tourist: “That’s not a grizzly? But it looked just like the picture I saw in the magazine. Are you sure?”

Ranger: “Yes, sir. Grizzlies are much much bigger. They are taller than a person when they stand up and they weigh 500 lbs or more.”

Tourist: *embarrassed* “It didn’t look that big in the picture.”

In Line And Out Of Line, Part 3

| Toronto, ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Wild & Unruly

(Today is a busy weekend. I’m working checkout and there is a huge line waiting. In the middle of one of my transactions, a woman cuts everyone in line. The people in line are visibly agitated but just let it go.)

Me: “Sorry, ma’am. I cannot check you out. These customers have been waiting in line patiently for their turn. Please go wait like everyone else.”

Customer: “I’m in a hurry. Please, can you make an exception just this once?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but it just wouldn’t be fair for everyone else in line. Please wait for your turn.”

(After I say this, the customer’s mood quickly swings from a cheery to angry.)

Customer: “This store should treat their customers better! I’m giving them all my hard earned money. You know what? F*** this place and everyone here! You people are f******* idiots! I’m going to shop at [Competitor]!” *storms out without her items*

(As she turns her back and storms off, almost everyone in line, and even some people in other lines, flip her off in unison.)

Related:
In Line And Out Of Line, Part 2
In Line And Out Of Line

Not Being A Pawn In His Game

| Halifax, NS, Canada | Liars & Scammers, Technology

(A customer with a thick accent comes in and places a cell-phone on the counter, which immediately begins leaking water.)

Customer: “I want new phone.”

Me: “Oh?”

Customer: “This one not working.”

Me: “Why is it wet?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “You don’t know?”

Customer: “May have been dropped in toilet.”

Me: “The warranty doesn’t cover water damage.”

Customer: “I want new phone. This one not working.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t replace your phone. If you look at the warranty details we gave you when you bought it, you’ll see that.”

Customer: “I have large friend. Knows kickboxing!”

Me: “Are you threatening me?”

Customer: “No, no! I no threaten!”

Me: “Well, I have a friend who plays chess. I don’t see how either is relevant to the conversation.”

(The customer grabs his phone and storms out.)

Teaching Them To Be A Smart Cookie

| Wyoming, MI, USA | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Technology

(I am a supervisor in a call center for a large online accommodation site. I get an angry guest escalated to me because she is unhappy about something that has appeared on her screen while browsing our site.)

Me: “Hello. My name is [Name] and I’m a supervisor at [Site]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m am just calling to let you know that I am never using your site! Ever!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I was just browsing hotels in California and porn popped up in a sidebar on your website!”

Me: “I’m sorry that happened, ma’am, but we have no control over that.”

Customer: “Well you better get control over it quick!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, you’re misunderstanding me. The advertisements on the side of your screen are based on your previous browsing history.”

Customer: “I would never go on a site like that!”

Me: “I understand that, ma’am, but I’m just trying to explain the technical aspect of how they work. Being that I work at [Site], I am on our site quite a bit and because of that, all the advertisements on the side are for [Site].”

Customer: “Oh. Well, what do I do?”

Me: “I can walk you through how to get rid of them if you’d like.”

(I walked the customer through how to delete her cookies in her browser and she calmed down. She was very grateful for my help and stated that she was going to have some investigating to do with her husband and kids!)

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