Not Feeling Neutral About Your Parking

| NB, Canada | Crazy Requests, Criminal & Illegal, Transportation

(It is the day before Good Friday, and the store is packed full of people. Obviously, so is the parking lot. A cart pusher has just brought in a handful of carts, and a greeter is tagging bags. One customer, already looking angry, heads straight to the elder greeter and tries to hand her his car keys.)

Customer: “Go park my car.”

Greeter: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t offer a valet service here.”

Customer: “There’s no f****** parking spaces. Go park my f****** car!”

Greeter: “Sir, I just got back from work after having a heart attack. What makes you think I’m going to be able to drive your car, let alone find you a parking space, when you haven’t?”

Cart Pusher: “Where is your car right now? Parking in the fire lane makes working and shopping here dangerous. I can have you towed.”

(Customer went beet red and left, hopefully back to his car!)

Extension Number Two

| AB, Canada | Bizarre, Books & Reading, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

(I don’t think this actually was a prank call, but I wish it was. I answer the phone at the library and it’s a regular customer with a history for over sharing with staff…)

Me: “Hi, this is [Library]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, yes, I need more time with my library books.”

Me: *bringing up her account* “Okay, well, it looks like you’ve already had a couple of extensions…”

Customer: “You don’t understand! I can’t leave the house! I have explosive diarrhea! I can’t leave the toilet! I’m on the cordless!”

(I, noticing that every single book she has checked out are for weird diet fads like the ‘strawberry diet,’ figured her story seemed to check out, and extended her materials before I had to talk to her on the toilet anymore.)

Very Time (Un)Conscious, Part 2

| Ottawa, ON, Canada | Bizarre, Time

Me: “Hi, it’s [My Name] from [Store]. I’m just calling to let you know your special order has arrived, and you can pick that up at your convenience.”

Customer: “Can I come in tomorrow afternoon?”

Me: “Absolutely! Whenever it’s convenient for you. We’ll see you then!”

Customer: “But what time?”

Me: “Whenever you wish, sir. We close at six tomorrow, if that helps.”

Customer: “But I want to come before then! Can’t I come in the afternoon?”

Me: “Absolutely! You don’t have to make an appointment. We’ll hold it as long as you need us to. We won’t sell it or send it back, I promise. You’ve already paid in full, so it’s yours.”

Customer: “But what TIME should I come?”

Me: *giving up* “How about two?”

Customer: “Two in the afternoon?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Tomorrow?”

Me: “Yes. Have a good day!”

Customer: “Bye. I’ll be there tomorrow at two.”

(He didn’t show up to claim his item for three weeks.)

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Very Time (Un)Conscious