Alpha Male Is O-Mega A**-Hole

| Belgium | Right | December 10, 2015

(I’m working front desk at a mid-range hotel. In this hotel the front desk staff also runs the bar. A couple of business guests walk into the bar and take a seat. My colleague points one of them out for being a real a** at check-in. I clearly recognise the alpha male. This dude takes a seat and puts his feet on the table.)

Me: *kindly* “Sir, can you please remove your feet from the table?”

Alpha Male: “Nope. I paid to stay here, so I can put my feet wherever I like.”

Me: *irritated* “Well, sir, that’s twisted logic. I pay my road tax and car insurance every year, yet that doesn’t mean I can drive faster than the speed limit or park my car wherever I like. So, could you please remove your feet from the table?”

Alpha Male: *mumbles something I can’t understand but leaves his feet on the table*

Me: “Okay, sir, I can’t make you remove your feet from the table; however what I can do is refuse service. And since in that case your colleagues will probably order drinks for you, I’m refusing service to you and ALL of your colleagues.”

Alpha Male: *removes feet from table* “Your manager will hear about this in the morning!”

Me: “He will hear about what? Me teaching you some manners?”

(As far as I know, he never spoke to my manager.)

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Try To Keep Pace With The Questions

| NSW, Australia | Right | December 10, 2015

(I work as a receptionist for a radiology practice, and we need to go through a list of safety questions before a patient can go in for their scan. An old woman and her daughter/carer walk in.)

Daughter: “Hello, my mother has an appointment today.”

Me: “No problem. First I need to go through a list of implants or devices she may have in her body, and I just need a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer to whether she has them.”

Daughter: “No, no, no! My mother doesn’t have anything! She’s just as God made her!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is protocol. It’s important to ask each question…”

Daughter: “Don’t bother; the answer is “no” to everything.”

Me: “Okayyy…” *notes this down on form*

Patient: “Well, I do have a pacemaker. Will that be a problem?”

(She was about to get an MRI. That could kill a patient!)

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She Has Taken The Black

| Scotland, UK | Right | December 10, 2015

(I am a breakfast chef at a five-star hotel. We have a lot of North American customers who are unfamiliar with some popular European foods. A waiter draws my attention to an order they have just taken.)

Waiter: “Vegetarian breakfast with black pudding. I tried explaining but she just shoo-ed me away.”

(Black pudding is made from pigs’ blood.)

Me: “Do you want to check again, that she’s sure?”

(The waiter goes off to check again with the customer and returns a minute later.)

Waiter: “She’s sure. She ate it before and it was delicious. And she isn’t very happy at her order being questioned.”

Me: “I’ll just go and check.”

(I go to the customer’s table.)

Me: “Are you a vegetarian, ma’am?”

Guest: “Yes. Yes, I am.”

Me: “Are you aware of what black pudding is?”

Guest: “Look, I had it for the first time a few days ago and it was delicious. Now, just get me my d*** breakfast.”

Me: “Can I just explain…”

(I go into the full details of how black pudding is made, with the boiling of the pigs’ blood, the addition of oatmeal and diced pig fat, etc. I note the customer going greener and greener as the story goes on.)

Guest: “Actually, could I just have cereal and toast, please?”

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This Will Not Be A Walk In The Park

| The Netherlands | Right | December 10, 2015

(I’m working as a photographer at a sea-life park, whose big blue dome, where the main dolphin show is held, is its landmark. A lady comes up to me.)

Lady: “Excuse me, but can you tell me how to get in the park?”

Me: *confused* “You’re already in the park.”

Lady: “No, I mean IN the park. Like, inside.”

Me: “Didn’t you just walk through the front gates and paid there? From there on, you’re in the park, on park grounds.”

Lady: “No, in THERE!” *points towards the show dome*

Me: *getting a clue* “Oh, you mean how to get to our show dome? Well, you can’t miss it. The entrance is on this side of the dome. If you just follow the path here, it will lead you straight to it.”

Lady: “Yes, that’s what I meant! How can you think I mean something else? I want to get IN the park!”

Me: “Ma’am, you’re already IN the park. This park contains a lot more than only the main dolphin show.”

Lady: “Wait, there’s more?”

(I still wonder why she thought that high entrance price was only for one show!)

I Decline To Comment

| Yorkshire, England, UK | Right | December 10, 2015

(I’ve just scanned the shopping of a customer and he is paying with his card. However, the transaction doesn’t go through. This usually means that the customer’s card has been declined, although occasionally we have brief connection issues with our system, so we always give it a second try.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. The transaction hasn’t gone through.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Well, sometimes it’s a brief problem with our connection rather than your card. We’ll give it another go and see.”

Customer: “Hmmm… okay.”

(We go through the process again, however it doesn’t go through. My card machine is still functioning normally, and my colleagues are still able to use their card machines, meaning that the system is not down. It is definitely a problem with his card.)

Me: “I’m really sorry, sir, but your card isn’t working. Do you have any other method of payment?”

Customer: “What? What’s wrong with your machines?”

Me: “There doesn’t appear to be any issue with our system, sir. I’m afraid it’s very likely to be a problem with your card.”

Customer: “It can’t be. Try again.”

(We try again, but it doesn’t work. However, he insists the problem is on our end. I move him onto my colleague’s till, but it isn’t accepted again.)

Colleague: “I’m really sorry, sir, but your card has been declined again.”

Customer: “Why is it being declined?”

Me: “It could be any number of reasons, sir. You’d have to contact your bank.”

Customer: “No! I want you to tell me! Why won’t you take my card?!”

Me: “Sorry, sir?”

Customer: “Tell me what it says on your screen! Tell me why you won’t take my card!”

Me: “All it tells me is that your card is declined, sir, I don’t know the reason. You’d have to contact your bank.”

Customer: “That’s crap! I’m not leaving until you tell me why my card is declined! I’m flying out to Afghanistan tomorrow! I’ve had this all day, I don’t need this, and I’m sick of it!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, did you say you’d had this all day?”

Customer: “Yes! Every shop I go into, they won’t take my card and they won’t tell me why! I’m flying to Afghanistan in twelve hours! I don’t need this!”

Me: “…Ok, sir, you really need to contact your bank.”

(He eventually left  to go and talk to his bank, still muttering that we “must know why; it will say on the screens.” We spotted him in store just a couple of days later, so I’m not sure why he insisted he was going to Afghanistan.)

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