Fish Has Gone To The Dogs

| St. Paul, MN, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners

(I am delivering a large pizza order to a couple that included an extra side of anchovies.)

Me: “Let me hand you the anchovies so they don’t accidentally spill.”

(As I hand them to the woman she makes a face of disgust and hands them to her husband.)

Husband: “I like to pour it out on the kitchen floor and roll around in them.”

Me: “So does my dog.”

(The wife completely loses it and the husband slinks off with his anchovies.)

Double Take Required

| Wausau, WI, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid

(I’m rather short, 5’3″, a bit heavy, and have short black hair and dark eyes. My coworker is lean, tall, almost 5’10”, and has red hair and hazel eyes. The only similarity we have is that we both wear glasses. Even on this day I was wear a black uniform top and she was wearing a pink one, in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month. We just switched off so she can go home.  I hop on the register.)

Customer: *coming up to the checkout* “I couldn’t find it. Are you sure it’s there?”

Me: “Um, what are you looking for?”

Customer: *getting angry* “I already told you! Did you really just forget? Honestly!”

Me: “Ma’am, I just started my shift.”

Customer: “No! I just talked to you! You told me where I could find this!” *thrusts a small plastic bag with a jewelry finding in it*

Me: “Oh! Jewelry findings are the first row of jewelry and go straight back to the wall, ma’am.”

Customer: “That’s not what you said before!”

Me: “Ma’am, I just got here.”

Manager: *coming up since she heard the yelling* “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “This cashier is being rude and is lying to me!”

Me: “Ma’am, I am sorry my coworker has told you the wrong section, but she was the one that helped you. I just started.”

Customer: “Right there! Lying!”

Manager: “Actually, she’s right. She did just clock in.”

Customer: “Oh… well… You two just look so much alike!” *storms off*

Manager: “Who did you relieve?”

Me: “[Coworker].”


A Culling Of A Cullen

| WI, USA | Books & Reading, Geeks Rule, Love/Romance

(I work as a waitress at a sit down restaurant near the mall. We’re slowing down for the night and the place is pretty empty. I’m in the middle of cleaning off my table when I overhear this conversation happening between some teens in the corner booth.)

Teen Girl: *to Teen Boy #2* “It’s not the size that matters, but what you do with it.”

Teen Boy #1: “Yeah, it’s all about the motion of the ocean!”

Ditzy Teen Girl: “It’s all in the sparkle.”

Teen Boy #2: “Wha— I’m not Edward f****** Cullen!”

(I barely made it back to the kitchen before laughing.)

The Mother Of Bad Decisions

| SD, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Family & Kids

(I am working at the customer service desk at the grocery store in my town. It’s about three in the afternoon, and I’m an hour into an eight-hour shift. I am alone at the front of the store, when a customer that I do not know comes up to me.)

Me: “Hello. What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “Hey, I need a babysitter for my kid tonight. Can you come and do it?”

(I’m a little taken aback but give her a smile anyway.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry but I am working the closing shift tonight.”

Customer: “Great! Who is supposed to watch my kid tonight? I have very important plans!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there’s nothing I can do to help you.”

Customer: “Thanks a lot! You just ruined my entire night! Teenagers today are so lazy and worthless!”

(I stare at her open-mouthed as she stomps away. A few minutes later, I see her ask another one of my coworkers, whom politely declines, because she’s also working all night. The customer rushes out of the store cussing, leaving her full cart of groceries behind.)

Inex-spews-able Behavior, Part 2

| IL, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Health & Body

(I am working in the box office during the day, when we are usually fairly slow. Because of this, I don’t mind waiting on customers to decide what show they want to see, provided they wait off to the side and don’t obstruct my line.)

Customer #1: *walks in and stands directly in front of my register, looking at showtimes*

Me: “Hello! How are you today?”

Customer #1: *coughing and choking* “H-hi.” *hack* “I’m g-*hack*-good.”

(She continues to stand there, coughing and occasionally retching. At this point, a second customer comes in and stands behind her, very patiently waiting for his turn.)

Customer #1: “I’ll take *hack* one for *retch*…”

(Customer #1 then proceeds to vomit all over my counter, leaving a huge puddle of phlegm right in front of the hole through which money and tickets are exchanged. My second customer, who has been trying not to look as disgusted as I feel, runs into the main building to inform the manager of what has happened, since I can’t use my radio with Customer #1 still standing there.)

Customer #1: “Sorry. I’d like one ticket for—” *retches and spits up more vomit on the floor* “One for [Movie], please.”

Me: *trying not to lose my own breakfast* “That’ll be [price], please…”

(Customer #1 proceeds to hand me her rewards card and credit card over her own vomit puddle. I try to process the order without touching her cards more than necessary, and without sticking her ticket into the puddle.)

Me: “Enjoy… enjoy your show.”

Manager: *opening the door to the box office* “Are you okay, [My Name]?”

Customer #1: “Yeah… Sorry.” *hack*

Me: “Eww… Can I go wash my hands?”

Manager: “Yeah, go ahead and go on break. I’ll clean this up…”

(I didn’t realize it at the time, but my second customer was a regular that suffers from throat cancer and was unable to explain what had happened. He can’t speak, and doesn’t understand English very well, so he usually writes down the movie he wants to see. My manager thought that I was the one that had gotten sick!)

Inex-spews-able Behavior

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