The Nineties Called…

| RI, USA | Crazy Requests, Technology, Theme Of The Month

(I work next to the electronics department. I am in the area when two customers walk up to an electronics associate.)

Customer: “Do you sell any VHS?”

Associate: “No, ma’am. We sell dvd players, though.”

Customer: “What’s DVD?”

(Associate proceeds to explain DVDs, still remaining very professional.)

Customer: “But you don’t have any VHS?! I find that hard to believe! Couldn’t you check the back room in case you have one lying around?”

Associate: “Ma’am, we haven’t sold VHS in years.”

Customer: “So you can’t check?”

Associate: “We don’t carry any VHS products anymore.”

Customer: “UNBELIEVABLE! How do you not carry VHS?! You’re gonna lose customers like that.”

(There is awkward silence. I’m a few feet away trying really hard not to laugh. But it’s not over yet.)

Customer: “What about [Brand Name]s? Do you have portable cassette [Brand Name]s?”

Associate: “We don’t have any cassette products anymore either.”

(The customer is genuinely bewildered at this point. She eventually decides to purchase a dvd player.)

Associate: “… And how will you be paying today?”

(The customer hands over a credit card.)

Associate: “Ma’am, this card is expired. In fact the card expired in the early 2000s.”

Customer: “WHAT?! No wonder you guys are going out of business. Can’t even take my payment!”

Glad They Nipped That One In The Bud

| NJ, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Pets & Animals

(A male customer comes up to me and shows me a male dog’s belly. Note that I am a rather young woman.)

Customer: “What are those bumps on his belly?”

Me: “Those are nipples.”

Customer: “But I thought you said it was a boy.”

Me: “He is a boy.”

Customer: *horrified* “So why does he have nipples?”

Me: “All mammals have nipples, sir. Don’t you?”

Customer: “I… I guess you’re right.”

(The customer turns six shades of red and walks away. This is not the first time that exact exchange has transpired.)

A Bona-Fido Law

| Orem, UT, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Pets & Animals, Wild & Unruly

(I stop by the store on my way to work. A customer is causing quite a scene, while a manager is trying to deal with her.)

Customer: “I won’t leave my dog outside! Do you know how cold it is out there? What about cruelty to animals!?”

Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am. You should have left him at home. He cannot come in the store.”

Customer: “Leave him alone? That’s even more cruel!”

(At that point, I’d about had it, as had several other people. I, however, had recently been researching the city’s laws and ordinances regarding animals.)

Me: “Excuse me. But did you know, as per city ordinance, article 5-3, it is ‘unlawful for any person to take or permit any dog, whether loose or on a leash or in arms, in or about any establishment or place of business where food or food products are sold or displayed, including… grocery stores?’ The only exceptions are seeing-eye dogs, hearing dogs, and dogs owned by government agencies. As your dog obviously does not meet any of those qualifications, what you are attempting to do is illegal. Do I really need to call the police, or will you leave and take your dog with you?”

Customer: “Well, I never!” *she storms out, dog in arms*

Manager: “Thank you, ma’am.”

Me: “No trouble. What a moron. I don’t even have a cell phone.”

Lack of Register Does Not Register, Part 4

| TX, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Religion

Customer: *at my closed register* “Can you check me out?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m closing this register. The next register is open, and my associate can check you out.”

Customer: *sighs* “Her line is too long. I need you to do it. I’m in a hurry.”

Me: “I can’t. As soon as I opened this register to count the till, it’s officially closed. I can’t do anything about it. You’ll have to go to the next register.”

Customer: *glares at me and leaves her full buggy in front of me* “I’m going to pray against you tonight.”

Coworker: “I bet she will, too.”

Lack of Register Does Not Register, Part 3
Lack of Register Does Not Register, Part 2
Lack of Register Does Not Register

Needs A System That’s The Cat’s Meow

| USA | Bizarre, Musical Mayhem, Pets & Animals, Technology, Theme Of The Month

(I work for a company that sells audio equipment.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]. May I help you with an order? ”

Customer: “I need your system!”

Me: “Well, we have a lot of great items in our product line, but you’ll have to be more specific. What system are you looking at today?”

Customer: “The CD player! I had one but it broke and I need yours to play my special CDs!”

Me: “I’m sorry; I don’t understand. What kind of special CDs do you want it to play?”

Customer: “The ones I got for my cat. It’s special music to help felines relax.”

Me: “So they’re regular CDs for your cat. Okay, I can help with that.”

Customer: “I alternate back and forth, one CD of his music, then one of mine. It has to play both.”

Me: “I can assure you that on the [Model Name] you’ll both be able to enjoy your favorite songs together.”

Customer: “Oh, no. No, we can’t do that. He’s in kitty heaven now, but will it play his CDs?”

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