Can’t Hear You Over Your Colon

| MI, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

(I’m in the waiting room of the endoscopy center, waiting for my grandma to come out from her colonoscopy. A nurse opens the door and reads aloud from a chart.)

Nurse: “Theodore?”

Old Man: “Yes?”

Nurse: “Okay, so you’re Theodore?”

Old Man: “Yes, ma’am.”

Nurse: “And you’re here for a colonoscopy today, correct?”

Old Man: “What?!”

Nurse: “A… colonoscopy?”

Old Man: “NO! My WIFE is!”

Nurse: “Oh. You’re not Theodore?”

Old Man: “You said PETER, so I answered you!”

Nurse: “… Okay, then. Is Theodore here?”

(An old man walks from the back of the waiting room.)

Theodore: “I’m sorry. I heard him answer, so I assumed another Theodore was ahead of me.”

Peter: “Well, I know one thing. I am not deaf, and she definitely said Peter first.”

Theodore: “Well, I am deaf, and she said Theodore. You may need your hearing checked, sir.”

No Point Crying Over Stolen Milk

| USA | Criminal & Illegal, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

(Milk is subsidized in my state so we don’t offer cash refunds or exchanges unless the product is spoiled or damaged. One man has been exchanging half-empty milk every week for six months claiming each time that the container is leaking. He does it with different clerks and it takes a while before everyone realizes he’s scamming us. As manager, I ask my clerks to let me know if they see him come in so I can talk to him.)

Customer: “I’d like to exchange this milk.”

Me: “Sure, we can certainly do that. Man, you have some rotten luck!”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, you just always seem to have leaky milks. Looking at how little is remaining, it must have really made a mess in your fridge!”

Customer: “Oh. Yeah.”

Me: “Wow, going through a milk every week? I wonder if [Milk Company] knows they have so many leaky containers. I should track this and notify them.”

Customer: *nervously* “I don’t think that’s necessary.”

Me: “Oh. Well, a leaky gallon every week for six months? That’s unacceptable. Maybe you should try another brand? You know, [Milk Company]’s headquarters are just one town over. I could just call them and have them inspect this.”

Customer: *alarmed* “Oh, no, no! It’s fine. I’m all set.”

Me: “Are you sure? Hey, why don’t we go pick out a gallon together. That way we’ll KNOW it isn’t leaking?”

Customer: “Oh, uhhh. I’m sure I won’t have any problems anymore.”

Me: “I really appreciate you letting us know there is an issue with their packaging. I’ll be sure to keep an extra close eye on your milk from now on.”

(The customer leaves in a hurry and we never see him again!)

Guest Relations Gone Bitter

| USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal & Illegal, Food & Drink, Hotels & Lodging

(Our hotel offers free coffee to any guest. One day a man walks in. It’s obvious that he’s not a guest.)

Customer: “Hi. Can I get a coffee?”

Me: “Well… I guess so. Just this once.”

Customer: “Great!”

(He drinks it and goes away. The next day he comes in and asks again.)

Customer: “Can I…?”

Me: “No. I’m sorry but that is only for the guests.”

Customer: “WHY NOT?! You said I could!”

Me: “I meant for just that day yesterday. Not every day!”

Customer: “Well, you should have specified!”

Me: “I did.”

Customer: “It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m going to have a coffee if I want to! It’s my right!”

(He marches over to the coffee. I call a manager and explain the situation. The manager goes to speak with him.)

Manager: “You cannot have free coffee here. It’s for the guests only.”

Customer: “She said I could!”

(The man marches off. Every morning after that, he would march in without saying anything, grab his coffee, and march out. Eventually he was banned.)

Deranged Exchange

| Miami, FL, USA | Crazy Requests, Theme Of The Month

(I work at an electronic cigarette store in a popular local mall. I have just returned from a month-long vacation. I’m counting inventory when a customer approaches.)

Customer: “I bought this from you two weeks ago.”

Me: “From me personally, sir? I’ve been on vacation for the last month, but I’d be happy to help yo—”

Customer: “Yes. I’m sure it was you. The product isn’t working.”

Me: “Can I take a look? Often times it’s a quick fix.”

Customer: “No. I’d just like to exchange it.”

Me: “Okay, sir. Do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “No. Just give me a new one.”

Me: “Sure. Let me see if I can diagnose the problem and perhaps you can keep the one you have after all. If not I’ll be happy to replace it.”

Customer: “I didn’t bring it with me.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Well? Are you going to exchange it?”

Me: “Unfortunately I’m unable to process an exchange without you giving me the product back.”

Customer: “Just give me another one for free!”

Me: “Sir, as I stated, I unfortunately cannot give you a new product for free without receiving the old one from you.”

Customer: “Fine. In that case I’d like to return it.”

Me: “Again, sir. I cannot give you back your money if you do not have the product to return to me.”


Me: *remaining calm* “So, let me get this straight: you want to return your product and get your money back, but you don’t have the actual product to ‘return’ to me?”


(The man pushes me. I am a bit shocked that this has escalated so quickly but I keep my composure.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but that will not be possible.”


Me: “I would be happy to provide you with the number of the local police department if you’d like. Then when they get here you can explain to them how you assaulted me and threatened to ‘kick my a**’ when I very nicely explained that I cannot process a return for an item that you are not actually returning.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “So, would you like that number? Or I can call if that would be more convenient for you, sir.”

Customer: “Well… F*** you!” *storms off*

Me: *yelling to the customer as he leaves* “You have a pleasant evening, too, sir!”

The Worst Example Of Homosapien

| Chicago, IL, USA | Bigotry, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(A customer came up to me while I am stocking the cooler.)

Customer: “Where’s the straight milk?”

Me: “What? What’s straight milk?”

Customer: “Straight milk!”

Me: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Customer: “Straight milk, so it doesn’t turn my kids gay.”

Me: “Milk doesn’t turn anybody gay!”

Customer: “Sure it does. See right here. It’s HOMO-genized milk. I want the HETERO-genized milk.”

Me: “…”

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