A Trashy Pick Up Line

, | Canada | One-Liners, Rude & Risque

(I am in my teens, taking out the garbage. One of our regular customers, an elderly man who is a well-known jokester, comes up to me at the end of his meal. I’m switching out the trash bag.)

Elderly Man: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Taking out the trash.”

Elderly Man: “Well, I’m trash. Can you take me out?”

(I laugh into the garbage can.)

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t, but I’ll have to remember that one. It’s good!”

Total Nincompoop

| Russellville, AR, USA | Health & Body

(I work in a restaurant as a teenager. The restroom is crowded and I’m in a stall when all leave except two young girls. Girl #1 is in a stall and Girl #2 is waiting by the sinks.)

Girl #1: “Is everyone gone?”

Girl #2: *apparently hasn’t noticed me* “Yeah, they left.”

Girl #1: “Oh good. Now I can poop.”

(I take that as my cue to flush and wash my hands, trying not to laugh at the sudden awkward silence. As I open the door to leave I say:)

Me: “Okay. Now you can poop.”

Not What The Doctor Ordered

| MO, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests

(In one week we are hosting a benefit dinner to set up a scholarship fund helping underprivileged kids go to summer camp. It is my job to take reservations, which have been closed for a week. I take a phone call.)

Me: “[Business]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. This is Doctor [Name]. I would like three tickets to the dinner.”

Me: “Well, unfortunately ticket sales closed a week ago. We had to give final numbers to the caterer and—”

Customer: “No, you don’t understand. I’m a doctor and I know the speaker. She and my daughter went to college together.”

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but the speaker knew when ticket sales closed and she never mentioned—”

Customer: “But I’m a doctor! And I know the speaker!”

Me: “Congratulations, ma’am. But we’ve turned the numbers in—”

Customer: “You’ll just have to tell them you have three more guests. What time is the dinner? We will be coming.”

Me: “I can’t—”

Customer: “You will tell them. I know the speaker.”

Me: *sigh* “I will talk to our director and see what I can do but—”

Customer: “Good. My name is Doctor [Name] and I know the speaker.”

(The caller proceeds to give me all of her contact information. I talk to my boss a few hours later and she reluctantly agrees to sell tickets to the woman because we ordered more meals than necessary for this exact reason. I am getting ready to call the woman back when the phone rings and I answer it.)

Customer: “This is Doctor [Name] and you said you would talk to your— whoever it is —and make sure we get tickets. We will be coming. I know the speaker.”

Me: *sigh* “Yes, ma’am. We have extra plates available and we have your name on the reservation list for three tickets.”

Customer: “Good. See, this is how you treat a doctor. Now, what is my discount for knowing the speaker?”

Me: “You don’t get a discount.”

Customer: “Of course I do; I’m a doctor and I know the speaker.”

Me: “Ma’am, everyone pays the same ticket price. We have everyone from doctors, engineers, nurses, janitors, and camp counselors coming to this dinner and they all reserved their seats before the deadline and are all paying the same ticket price. Your total is [total].”

Customer: “Ugh! Fine! But I won’t give you people a dime more for whatever it is you’re doing, you hear me?”

Me: “Yes, doctor.”

(She was just as rude and egotistical when I met her in person, still making sure to let me know she was a doctor and more important than anyone. And she made good on her promise to not give anything to the scholarship fund for children.)

Driving A Hard Bargain

| Chennai, India | Hotels & Lodging, Language & Words, Tourists/Travel

(I am standing in line at the travel desk of a very nice hotel in Chennai. Just ahead of me is a guest with an accent from somewhere in Britain, but I cannot place it. He is being very abusive toward the young man at the desk.)

Guest: “I’m not paying your rates for a car. I’m going to hire an auto outside the hotel. You people are thieves”

Desk Clerk: “Certainly, sir, but how may I help you?”

Guest: “Write this address down. Write it down in Hindi. I’ll hand it to a driver. I’m not paying you.”

Desk Clerk: “Yes, sir.”

(I watch him write down the address from English to Hindi.)

Me: “I must compliment you. He was very rude and you handled it well.”

Desk Clerk: “Just doing my job, sir. Thank you.”

Me: “You did just what he asked…”

Desk Clerk: *looks up smiling slightly*

Me:“You wrote it down in Hindi. The local language is Tamil… and what are his chances of finding a literate ‘auto’ driver out there, anyway?”

Desk Clerk: *smiling broadly* “You have been here before, sir!”

A Cancer Of Society

| Knoxville, TN, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Health & Body

(Our store is selling stuffed toys to give to children undergoing cancer treatment. I’m on register checking out a couple.)

Me: “Would you like to purchase one of the toys and donate it to a child?”

(The customer reaches for one of the toys and I think I’ve made a sale. But then she puts the toy back on the counter and says:)

Customer: “My hunch is that kids who have cancer get enough of these.”

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