Dead Parrot Sketch

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

(I work in a pet store. We offer a variety of animals, including birds.)

Customer: “Excuse me, could I ask you a question?”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “Do you have any red birds for sale?”

Me: “I’m afraid that all of the birds we have right now are green and blue, no red ones. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Well, can’t you just make one red for me, then?”

Me: “No, ma’am, that’s not something we can do.”

Customer: “And why not, exactly? I think you’re just being lazy, and I have more than half a mind to call your manager!”

Me: “You could do that, but he can’t make the birds red either, sorry.”

(The customer storms off in a huff. She comes back later asking if it is safe to dip a bird in paint.)

Self-Scanning And Self-Aware

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | At The Checkout

(My fiancé and I are at the self-service checkout at the grocery store. We scan our one item, and we get an error message. I try again, but still get the same error message. An employee comes up to us to help out.)

Employee: “Can I help you?”

Me: “Yes, thank you! Every time I scan my item, I keep getting this error message.”

Employee: “Oh! You have to scan your store card.”

Me: “I will, but I can’t get past this error.”

Employee: “No, sorry, you have to scan your store card first.”

(The employee scans the store card, then our item, and it works.)

Me: “Thanks! I never would’ve figured that out!”

Fiancé: *to me* “They should put up a sign, or something.”

(The employee gestures to the TWO signs in front of us that explain all store cards need to be scanned first.)

Me: “Oh, my God! After years of not working in retail, I’ve turned into one of those customers.”

Employee: “Oh, it’s okay. You didn’t blame me for it, so you’re still a step ahead!”

Suite Deal Turns Sour

| Tasmania, Australia | Food & Drink, Hotels & Lodging, Money, Top

(Our CEO has just upgraded a guest and her husband from our basic room to our penthouse suites after having lunch with a mutual friend. Our basic rooms go for $150 a night, and the penthouses are $1000 a night. We require the guests to pay for two nights ($300) on check-in. I have just gone through the payment process, and have given the guest information about the hotel and our facilities. The guest’s husband has walked away to collect their bags.)

Guest: “So is breakfast included in my room cost?”

Me: “No, it’s not. However the penthouse has full kitchen facilities, so I can direct you to a store down the road if you would prefer to make your own.”

Guest: “You expect me to pay extra for breakfast?!”

Me: “Well ma’am, as I said, you do have other options. There are also quite a lot of nice places for breakfast within a five minute walk if you would prefer that.”

Guest: “You little b****! I’ve already paid a ridiculous amount for this penthouse! You will give me free breakfast, or I’ll get your stupid a** fired.”

Me: “Ma’am, a two night stay in our penthouses usually costs $2000; you have paid $300. If you would prefer to pay the additional $1700, I will gladly include breakfast in this cost.”

(The guest starts to yell, calling me nasty names, and threatening to get me fired. When I still don’t give her what she wants, she grabs the room key and storms off. Her husband walks back into reception to see her storming away. The husband looks back to me.)

Guest’s Husband: *sighs* “She’s done it again, huh?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir; what do you mean?”

Guest’s Husband: “We were upgraded at our last hotel, too. The receptionist there had that exact same look on her face. What did she say to you?”

Me: “She was unhappy that we charge extra for breakfast.”

Guest’s Husband: “Don’t worry; we’ll be paying for breakfast. I’m sorry if she was rude.”

Me: “It’s not a problem at all, sir. I hope you enjoy your stay.”

(The guest’s husband leaves. About 20 minutes later, both guests come through reception on their way to our restaurant. The husband smiles and waves to me, and, with a pointed look at his wife, continues on his way. The guest stops at the desk, and I prepare myself for another dose of name calling.)

Guest: “I’m sorry about earlier. My husband says you were very polite to him, even after I was so rude to you.”

Me: “Not a problem at all, ma’am. I hope you enjoy your stay with us. If you need anything, please just let us know.”

(The guest nods, and walks away. I don’t see either guest again for the remainder of their stay. On the day they leave, I get a call from my CEO for an urgent meeting. Apparently, the guest felt so bad that she told my boss about what happened. I’ve now been given a raise, and a complimentary stay in the penthouses!)

Doesn’t Have Cold Feet About Sharing

| London, England, UK | Bizarre, Health & Body

(I work in a rather high-end furniture and house-ware store. I’m helping a well-dressed, well-spoken lady in her fifties choose some items from the basement floor.)

Customer: “I’m sorry I have to walk so slowly. You know, I had some major foot surgery done just last month and have not entirely recovered yet.”

Me: “Not a problem at all. I must say you’re doing wonderfully well. In fact, I would have never guessed if you didn’t tell me.”

Customer: “Yes, it’s getting better now, but I was in such pain for the first few days; I’m telling you.”

Me: “Well, I sure hope you’ll be alright soon. There, I’ll carry that for you, at least.”

(We make our way back upstairs, where the tills are located. I’m carrying her items, and we’re making small talk throughout. I ring her up and hand her the carrier bag and receipt.)

Customer: “Yes, I was telling you about my feet. I have some pictures; let me show you…”

(Before I can think of a reply, she leans over the counter and proceeds to show me several photos of her feet covered in angry septic sores.)

Me: “Well… that sure looks bad. I’m glad it’s all sorted now.”

Customer: “Terrible, isn’t it? So much pus, you have no idea of the smell! Absolutely rotten! Oh, well, thank you and have a nice day!”

(She leaves. My manager walks by.)

Manager: “Are you alright? What was that about?”

Me: “Never mind. Any chance I could get a late lunch-break today?”

Pulling Hair As Well As A Fast One

, | Raunds, England, UK | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers, Money, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

(I’m 10 years old. I am helping my father out at his takeaway, being the ‘cashier’. We are Asian. A white customer in her thirties walks in, and orders some food. I call my dad’s friend to make it, and he does. He brings it out and leaves.)

Me: “Okay, miss, that will be £30.00.”

Customer: “What? Oh no, darling; I’m the old owner’s daughter! I get my food for free!”

Me: “£30.00.”

Customer: “FREE. Give me my food for free, sweetheart.”

Me: “Please pay £30.00.”

Customer: “Dearie, I get it for free. My father—bless him, he’s 60 now—is the owner, and lets me have it for free! Give it to me!”

Me: “I don’t believe my father is 60; he is only 40. And we are Asian; you are a White person. Now, please pay for your food, or I will be forced to call the police.”

Customer: “You cheeky lying little brat!”

(She grabs my hair, and pulls hard.)

Customer: “Give me my free food now! Or I’ll spank your bum so hard you will die! You’re just a worthless teenager trying to earn money you don’t deserve!”

Me: “Daddy! Daddy! A lady’s got my hair, and she says you’re her daddy, and, and, gets f-food for free!”

(My dad runs in.)

Dad: “Stop! She’s only 10! You’re hurting her! I will call the police!”

(The customer goes pale, and runs out the door. I’ve not been back there in two years.)