That Comment Contains Many Holes

| Huntsville, ON, Canada | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body

(I have gone to pick up junk food for the house, when a customer in line behind me notices the chocolate bars I’ve selected. They are a brand that leaves tiny air bubbles inside the chocolate.)

Customer: “Oh! I just love those!”

Me: “Heh, yeah. They’re a favorite in the household.”

Customer: “I love them because they took all the calories out!”

Me: “The orange ones are the best, I— Wait, what?”

Customer: “Oh, don’t you know? Those holes are where the calories used to be!”

Social Notworking

| MO, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

(I work on a call floor that supports connections and email for various small ISPs. Often the older customers don’t understand just what our support was limited to.)

Customer: “I signed up for the WHOLE internet, and you didn’t give it to me!”

Me: “Where is it that you’re unable to reach online?”

Customer: “Well, I want to look at this pretty girl’s pictures, but it says I’m not signed up.”

(It takes me quite a while to ferret out that he’s searched for pretty girls, followed a link to a popular social network, but isn’t a member.)

Me: “Sir, signing up for social sites is your own responsibility, not the ISP’s.”

Customer: “That’s outrageous! I paid for the whole thing! I want the whole thing!”

(Although I’m not supposed to, I go ahead and walk him through the process of signing up for an account. It takes about 20 minutes, and he sighs heavily throughout the whole thing.)

Me: “Okay! Now you’re all signed up. Go make some friends!”

Customer: “WHAT?!? THERE’S MORE?! YOU make them be my friends!”

This Return Has More Than Meets The Eye-Glass

| Canada | Crazy Requests, Theme Of The Month

(I’m working at my store when a customer walks into the store with several computer printouts.)

Me: “Hi! How can I help you?”

Customer: “I wasn’t able to find any glasses here, so I looked online and found these. They’re perfect and I want you to order them for me.”

(I look in the stores computer system and they are discontinued, meaning that no more are being made. Some stores in our area may still have one, though, so I call the five or six stores in the area looking for them. No store has them. This chain has hundreds of locations in multiple countries, but we’re only supposed to call the ones with the numbers provided.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t get these for you. They’re discontinued and no store still carries them.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! You mean to say you called all stores here and in the United States and no place has them? I want THESE! That’s bad service!”

(I’m sales-floor staff. Neither I, nor anyone else, has the time to call over 800 stores for just one sale. To make it worse, this company has very high sales requirements, and every minute I’m calling around I lose out on sales.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, why don’t we go and see if we can find something on the racks that you like? We got some lovely new frames from [High End Brand] in just this week.”

(After a LONG time of her trying on frames, I manage to convince her to buy a nice pair that looks good on her. She pays and leaves. A week later she calls us.)

Me: “Thanks you for calling [Company]! How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, hi. I just weighed these glasses I bought and they weigh 12 grams more than my other pair! I want to return them!”

Me: “Okay, you can come on in anytime to return them.”

Customer: “Can’t you just give me my money back over the phone?”

Me: “No. We need your original credit card and the glasses back.”

(After she hung up, I looked into her file and discovered she’d returned one purchase of eyewear at least four times. Each time she picked a new frame, none of which seemed to be good enough for her!)

Problematic Customers

| Marble Falls, TX, USA | Bizarre

(A customer is standing in front of the freezer case I want something out of. I inch around her and smile at her.)

Me: “Excuse me.”

Customer: “Oh, I’m so sorry!”

Me: “It’s no problem!”

Customer: *sobering suddenly* “I could MAKE it a problem if you want.”

Me: “… Please don’t kill me?”

If You Behave Like Children…

| TX, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Family & Kids

(I have just finished a long and difficult transaction. I have been calmly trying to guide the customer through the transaction, but the customer has become increasingly frustrated and angry. The angry customer has just had a temper tantrum and stomped off, and I start to help the next customer.)

Next Customer: “Wow, some people get so angry about really little things. How did you stay so calm all that time?”

Me: “I have kids.”

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