In Closed Quarters

| MN, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

(I work as a cashier at a chain of grocery stores. In our lanes, we have these little gates that you can bring down if the lane is closed. There is very little space between the gate and the belt, so customers can’t squeeze their way in. My manager comes over to tell me to go on break, and then puts the gate down as we’re rather busy at the moment and customers don’t often notice that the light is off above our register, showing we’re closed. I have one other customer still in line after we close the gate, so I hurry to finish with her.)

Me: “And have a nice day, ma’am.”

(I hear heavy breathing and look at the entrance to my lane after giving the customer her receipt. A man has squeezed himself through the space between the gate and the register!)

Customer: *still breathing heavily* “Woof, that was hard to get through!”

(I still don’t know how he got through, considering I weight about 150lbs and I can’t get through the gap without sucking in my stomach, and he had a good 50 or so pounds on me!)

Trying To Blow Smoke

| USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Health & Body

(I’m running the express lane when a lady approaches my till holding an infant of about a year old. Note: it’s October and around 68° outside.)

Me: “Hello! What can I do for you?”

Customer #1: *sets infant on counter * “Yes, I’d like two packs of [Brand] cigars.”

(I go get the cigars, and as I return and start ringing up her cigars, another customer walks by who also has an infant that is in only shorts, minding their own business.)

Customer #1: *to Customer #2’s infant* “Oooh, baby, you’re gonna get sick wearing only shorts. It’s, like, zero degrees outside.” *to me* “Some people.”

(She happily walked away with her cigars and baby.)

Don’t (Mi)Stress Over It

| Canberra, ACT, Australia | Bizarre, Religion, Rude & Risque

(Most of the clients are 18-year-old girls getting their navels done or university students wanting unusual cartilage piercings. It is a really friendly place with a good reputation. I get a call:)

Caller: “Hello? I was wondering if your studio has specific facilities?”

Me: “I’d be happy to help, sir. What kind of facilities—”

Caller: *cuts me off* “DON’T CALL ME SIR.” *in deadly serious whisper* “Call me mistress.”

Me: “Ah… yes, mistress?”

Caller: “That’s better. Is the studio sound-proof?”

Me: “No, mistress. I can’t say that it is.”

Caller: “I see. Does it have restraints?”

(The man in question goes on to ask an increasingly creepy list of demands. It turns out he’s a professional dominatrix and apparently people pay money to live with him and be his ‘slaves.’ Needless to say we weren’t what he was looking for, so I suggested he contact a few establishments located in the ‘sex industry’ areas of the city, who might be able to help.)

Me: “… anyway, mistress, to sum up for you, we just don’t do that sort of thing here. I hope [Other Business Names] will be able to assist you.”

Caller: *absolutely delighted* “Oh, you have been so helpful! Please, call me by my Christian name: Mistress Alexi!”

Boss: *after telling her all about it* “I’m pretty open-minded, but no way in h*** is there anything Christian about that!”

Wants The Number Of The Devil

| Robeline, LA, USA | At The Checkout, Love/Romance, Religion

Customer: *leering* “I need $15 worth of [Cell Company] minutes and your phone number, sweetness.”

Me: *pretending I didn’t hear the last part* “$15 of [Cell Company] minutes. Okay.”

Customer: *smirking* “And your phone number.”

Me: *curtly* “Not happening. I have a boyfriend.” *prints the slip* “It’s $15.50.”

Customer: *pays in exact change* “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”

Me: *deadpan* “What are you talking about? I clawed my way up from Hell.”

(He quickly left and hasn’t asked for my number since.)

Paying Dearly

| AR, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Wild & Unruly

(I am working my second day as a cashier when an elderly customer walks up with a bundle of bananas and a drink.)

Me: “Hello, sir, and welcome to [Store]. Would you like me to match the price of these bananas, dear?”

Customer #1: “No, godd*** it!”

Me: “Okay. Not a problem. I apologize. Would like to donate anything to [Charity We Support]? ”

Customer #1: *turns away and mutters something*

Me: “Was that a yes or…”

Customer #1: “READ MY LIPS. NO. N.O. CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND SIMPLE ENGLISH, YOU D*** BIMBO?!”

Me: *all smiles* “I’m so sorry, sir. Not a problem.”

Customer #1: “I am so f****** tired of your s***, you little b****! The people here are so godd*** stupid. Quite smiling. Your job f****** sucks.”

(He walks off cursing under his breath.)

Me: *turning to the next customer* “Hello, dear. How ar—”

Customer #1: *rushing back* “And don’t call people dear, you little tramp! I’m old enough to be your d*** grandfather and she’s a woman, you f****** lesbian!”

(At this point, I’m almost in tears because it’s my second day ever and I’ve had nothing but positive responses all day. My current customer speaks up.)

Customer #2: “Don’t listen to that old b******, honey. You’re doing great and can call me whatever you like. Now, how much can I donate to that charity you were askin’ about?”

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