Dispatched With Relative(s) Ease

| CO, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers, Popular

(I work in a family restaurant. The family is an elderly couple who pass their restaurant onto their two children, a brother and sister.)

Customer: “I’m [Male Owner]’s brother, and he always gives me a discount.”

Me: *seeing red flags* “Oh, okay. What’s your name?”

Customer: “Ryan.”

Me: “Okay, he’s actually here right now. I’ll let him know you’re here.”

Customer: *practically jumping out of his chair* “NO, don’t do that! It’s busy. I don’t want to bother him.”

Me: “Don’t be silly! We only have a few tables. He’d be mad if I didn’t tell him you were here. Plus, you’re family. He can set aside a few minutes. I’ll have him come out here, and I’ll let him know you want a discount, too.”

(I walk away, but instead of walking to the back, I walk right to the hostess stand and wait. I watch them as they get up, get their coats, and begin to leave, avoiding eye contact with me.)

Me: *with a patronizing half-smile* “Have a good night.”

I’m Not A Snake Oil Salesman

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Pets & Animals, Popular

(I run a small business catching and relocating venomous snakes from people’s yards and public areas. Australia is up top of the list for deadliest snakes in the world. I get a phone call one morning from a very anxious person saying they had a black snake in their yard. From the accent it sounds like they are not local to Australia.)

Me: “Can you see the snake right now?”

Customer: “YES! YES! YES! It’s right beside the kid’s pool. Come get it! Get it now!”

Me: “Okay, sir, slow down a moment and give me your address, and just to advise it’s a $[total] call out fee, even if the snake moves away.”

Customer: “That’s fine! Come get it!”

(I quickly drive to the address, armed with my usual equipment, to meet the petrified client, who rushes me into the backyard and points towards a little wading pool for the kids. I move towards it carefully and to my shock… it’s the customer’s garden hose. He didn’t want to pay but he also didn’t like it when I pulled one of the boxes out of my car with a six-foot Eastern Brown Snake in it and told him I needed a place to relocate this snake to. The cash appeared quickly after that.)

Disconnected From Reality

| Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology

(I am doing troubleshooting over the phone with a woman whose office phone is acting up.)

Me: “So, I’m going to get you to reboot your phone. All you need to do is unplug the cable in the back of the base.”

Customer: “This data cable?”

Me: “Yes, that’s the one, but don’t do it yet or we’ll be disconnect— Hello? Hello?”

A Grape Way To Deal With Customers

| Calgary, AB, Canada | Food & Drink, Money

Me: *answering phone* “Good evening, this is [Grocery Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, my husband was in earlier and I find it hard to believe that the grapes he bought were so expensive! I think they were weighed incorrectly.”

Me: “Oh, well, if you would be able to come into the store, I can re-weigh them for you and correct for any price discrepancy.”

Customer: “Uh… I have to come in? Ugh.” *hangs up*

Me: *staring confusedly at the phone* “How else does she expect a price change to work?”

Being Foggy With The Specifics

| USA | Time, Transportation

(I receive a phone call from an airline dispatcher regarding a weather forecast. Why he’s calling the air traffic control tower and not the weather service is beyond me but I think I may have solved that issue for good.)

Airline Dispatcher: “What time is the fog going to lift?”

Me: *busy and tired of dealing with the inane* “9:47.”

Airline Dispatcher: *after a short pause* “Wow, that’s pretty specific. Are you sure?”

Me: “I’d bet your life on it.”