Out Of Control On Animal Control

(I’m waiting to order when I hear a scream from a few tables over.)

Customer: “Aaah! Rat! No… raccoon!”

(Sure enough, there’s a small but well-fed raccoon sitting calmly on an empty table and eating crumbs.)

Customer: “Careful! It could be rabid!”

(A waiter and waitress come over, not looking overly concerned.)

Waiter: “Naw, that’s Jerry. He’s usually out back getting into the dumpster, but he’s friendly.”

(The waiter flaps his hands at the raccoon.)

Waiter: “Hey, Jerry, f*** off! You live outside!”

Waitress: “He ain’t leaving. Want me to call animal control?”

Waiter: “Yeah, better call. I don’t want to get bit. I think we have the number written down.”

Waitress: “Don’t worry! I got it on speed dial!”

Owner: *shouting from the kitchen* “What did I say about saying that near customers?!”