Online Offers To An Offline Brain

, , , , | Right | June 26, 2018

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizza Place]. Will this be for delivery or carry-out tonight?”

Customer: “Neither, I want carry-out.”

Me: “All right. Can I get a phone number, please?”

Customer: “I don’t know my phone number.”

Me: “We need a number to make an account so we can call you back if there is an issue.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know it.” *yelling to someone else* “HEY! WHAT’S MY NUMBER?!” *muffled response from background* “Does no one know my number? Whatever, I’ll give them my mom’s. It’s–” *says number so fast it’s impossible to understand*

Me: “Could you repeat that for me?”

(The customer sighs and repeats the number slowly with an attitude.)

Me: “Can I get your name?”

Customer: “It’s [Name #1]. Oh you know what, [Name #2]. Or how about just [Name #3].”

Me: “Okay, what can I…”

Customer: “Just put it under [Name #1].”

Me: “Um… Okay. What can I get for you tonight?”

Customer: “Can I hear your specials?”

Me: “First we have [special #1], or we also have [special #2].”

Customer: “What about [old special]?”

Me: “That deal ended a month ago.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***! I just got that last week from you guys! Whatever. Can you repeat the specials again?”

(I do.)

Customer: “How many pizzas do I get for [special #1]?”

Me: “Two.”

Customer: “I’ll take that, then.” *yelling into the background* “WHAT YOU GUYS WANT? I’M ORDERING PIZZA FROM [PIZZA PLACE]!” *muffled yelling which goes back and forth for a full minute* “On the first one, I want—” *starts naming off toppings*

Me: “Sir, [special #1] comes with a one-topping pizza and a specialty pizza. From the toppings you said, might I suggest [specialty pizza]?”

Customer: “Oh. Could you tell me all of your specialty pizzas?”

Me: “Well, we currently have over 25 of them.”

Customer: “I want to hear them all.”

(I go through all specialty pizzas, stopping every few to explain what toppings go on it.)

Customer: “I’ll just take [specialty pizza I suggested in the first place]. Can I get that on [stuffed specialty crust]?”

Me: “There is an extra charge for that. Will that be okay?”

Customer: “Why do I have to pay more for that?”

Me: “You’re paying for the cheese inside the crust.”

Customer: “Y’all are just trying to steal my money. I don’t want that, then; I want [different crust].”

Me: “All right. The second pizza?”

Customer: “Can I get three toppings?”

Me: “It comes with a one-topping pizza. If you’d like to add more there is an additional charge.”

Customer: “See?! I’ll take one with just pepperoni, then.”

Me: “Okay, are you going to need anything else today?”

Customer: “How much are your wings?”

(I tell him both portion sizes and prices.)

Customer: “Can I get some wings, then?”

Me: “How many would you like?”

Customer: “What are the sizes again?”

(I repeat them.)

Customer: “I’ll take [portion], then.”

Me: “Would you like them with or without the bone?”

Customer: “What’s the difference?”

Me: “Um… one has bones in them and the other doesn’t.”

Customer: “I want with bone.”

Me: “Breaded or unbreaded?”

Customer: “What do you mean breaded? What the hell is a breaded wing?”

Me: “It’s a wing with a flour breading on it, kind of like the extra crispy chicken at [Chicken Place].”

Customer: “Oh, give me the original, then.”

Me: “What kind of sauce?”

Customer: “What do you have?”

(I tell him all the flavors.)

Customer: “I’ll take hot.”

Me: “The mild, medium, or the really hot?”

Customer: “Why do you ask so many d*** questions? The mild.”

Me: “Will this complete your order today?”

Customer: “Could you repeat that to me?”

(I do.)

Customer: “You know what? Let’s change that pizza special to that other special that you told me about.”

(Another three minutes go by as I change nearly the entire order.)

Me: *repeats the order back one more time* “—and your total comes to [price].”

Customer: “Why is it so much?”

Me: *long, detailed explanation*

Customer: “Whatever. How long?”

Me: “It’ll be ready for you to pick up in about 15 minutes.” *puts order through*

Customer: “Pick up? You’re not going to deliver it to me?”

Me: “You asked for carry-out.”

Customer: “I thought that meant you were going to carry it out to me.”

Me: “No, carry-out is when you come to pick it up. I can switch it to delivery if you’d like. I just need your address.”

Customer: “It’s—” *to the background* “WHAT’S THE ADDRESS HERE?!” *muffled response* “It’s [address that doesn’t come up in my system].”

Me: “Is the street name spelled [Street]?”

Customer: “I guess.”

Me: “You don’t appear to be in my delivery area; where are you guys located, exactly?”

Customer: “[Municipality].”

Me: “Oh, unfortunately we don’t deliver to [Municipality], and—”

Customer: “Then who does?”

Me: “No one. There is no [Store] that delivers to that area.”

Customer: “Well, why the f*** not?”

Me: “There were stores there a few years ago that closed down.”

Customer: “Can’t you guys just deliver to me, anyway?”

Me: “Unfortunately, that’s against company policy.”

Customer: “Why did those stores shut down?”

Me: “Theft.”

Customer: “Oh, so you’re saying that if you deliver here, you’re going to get robbed?”

Me: “I’m not saying that at all. I’m saying we can’t deliver there because our delivery line ends at [Other Street] and you are on the other side. You can still come pick the order up. It’s already in the oven; it should only be about another eight minutes or so until it’s ready.”

Customer: “No, f*** you. You guys are a bunch of d*** Nazis!” *click*

(That, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason why most delivery places are promoting online ordering rather than the telephone.)

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