Old Testament For An Old Hag

(My cousin recently got engaged but her mom is not very happy about it. My future cousin-in-law has tattoos and piercings. My aunt is… old-fashioned, you could say. This happens when we’re having a family BBQ to celebrate the engagement.)

Aunt: *to my father, who is supervising the grill* “Ugh, what does she see in that boy?”

Dad: “What are you talking about?”

Aunt: “That pierced brat who seduced my sweet angel.”

Dad: “Sis, please don’t be one of those people. He’s a very charming young man.”

Aunt: “How is that charming?”

(She points at my fiancé who is showing us his newest tattoo)

Aunt: “Why couldn’t she find a nice, God-fearing boy? I doubt he even knows what a Bible looks like; if he did he probably wouldn’t look like a heathen.”

Dad: *loud enough for everyone to hear* “[Aunt], I’ve never had a problem with your beliefs before, but now I think I’ve had enough. You’ve become really fanatical and obnoxious lately.”

Aunt: “How dare you!”

Dad: “Let me put it this way. One: the Bible is thousands of years old and has been translated and retranslated so many times, who knows what it originally said? Two: as far as I’m aware, the Bible is against mutilating your body and demonic symbols. His tattoos are beautiful and meaningful to him; I actually listened to the stories behind them. And three, we’re eating hamburgers, your dress is cotton and lace, you’re wearing jewelry, and both I and your husband have shaved our beards. Do I have to rephrase all that in order for you to understand? “

(My aunt stayed quiet for the rest of the day. My uncle later confessed to me that this was the event to finally convince him to get a divorce.)