Offline Parenting

This conversation has, unfortunately, happened multiple times.

Dad: “I need you to drive to [store] and get me [thing].”

Me: “Hang on, I’ll check their website to see if they have it in stock.”

Dad: “No.”

Me: “Huh?”

Dad: “DO NOT look on the internet.”

Me: “Well, I don’t want to waste time by going down there only to find that they don’t have it.”

Dad: “Then call them and ask.”

Me: “I can just look it up myself.”

Dad: “NO! CALL! THEM! NOW!”

Me: “Fine, g*******t it!”

I dial the store’s number.

Employee: “[Store]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Yeah, hi. I’m looking for [thing]. Do you have it in stock there?”

Employee: “Uh…I don’t know. You know, you can look that up on our website.”

Me: “Yeah, I know. Thanks.” (hangs up) “They said they don’t know.”

Dad: “Then just go down there and look.”

Me: “What is the big f****** deal about looking it up on their website?”

Dad: “Only nerdy-a** tech geeks who can’t get girlfriends use the internet. It’s not a real thing for real people.”

Me: “You realize it’s not 1992 anymore, right?”

Dad: “GO! DOWN! THERE! NOW!”

Me: “I’M F***ING GOING!”

I drive to the store, discover that they, in fact, do not have the thing Dad wants, and am told by an employee that they ONLY sell it online, not in stock at ANY store, and that if I want it, I have to order it online. I am told this as if I am the idiot here. I drive back to Dad’s place and inform him of this.

Dad: “NO. Go drive to a different store.”

Me: “Haven’t we wasted enough of the day on this already?”

Dad: “It’s YOUR fault the day is wasted. You should have thought of that before you wasted all that time, like you ALWAYS do.”

Me: “You know what? Go drive there yourself.”

Dad: “DRIVE! TO! A! NOTHER! STORE! NOW!”

Me: “KISS! MY! A**!”