Now Your’e Just Axe-ing For It

(Our history teacher is notoriously terrifying. He gives students detentions for almost everything. He is also a Lord of the Rings fan. My sister is late to class.)

Teacher: “[Sister’s name], why are you late?”

(My sister takes a breath and puts her hands behind her back.)

Sister: “But sir, a student is never late. Nor is she early. She arrives precisely when she means to.”

(The teacher blinks for a second.)

Teacher: “Is that so?” *points at the board* “A wizard detention for Gandalf, then!”

(My sister writes her name on the board.)

Teacher: “Good. Now, then—” *spins around and looks at me* “You know what I don’t get? Gimli smashes his axe on the Ring, and it breaks. Then one second later, HE HAS ANOTHER AXXXE!”

Student: “Maybe he has a spare?”

Teacher: “What, a cart full of axes behind him? Anyway. We have a different schedule today, so your lunch period will be separated.”

Me: “Cut in half, as it were.”

Teacher: “Like an orc.”

Me: “…or Frodo’s finger.”

(Only three of the students plus my sister and I understood the references, unfortunately. My sister served about three seconds in detention before she was let go early by the teacher.)