Not So Highly Recommended

(My husband and I are visiting his family for Thanksgiving, including his mother, aunt, and grandparents. His mother in particular is a very impatient and self-centered person. We’re in the open living room and kitchen area while his grandparents are working in the kitchen. They refuse to let us help out at all, as we are “guests,” so we are chatting with his aunt and mother when she interrupts my husband’s story:)

Husband: “So, we were trying to–“

Mother: “You know what?! I woke up this morning with a really bad pain in my neck!”

Husband: *caught off guard by the interruption* “Uh… Um, I’m sorry?”

Me: “Well, I’ve got some acetaminophen in my purse if you want some?”

Mother: *with a dramatic sigh* “No, no, no! Those just don’t work on me! They never make the over-the-counter stuff strong enough for me! I have to have a prescription for any kind of pain, but I left my pills at the hotel!”

Aunt: “Well, all I have is some muscle relaxant for my shoulder, but that won’t help much with the pain.”

Mother: *shouting across room at grandparents who are busy in the kitchen* “[Grandmother]! Do you have anything that might actually work for me?! It has to be something strong!”

Grandmother: “Well, I’ve got some leftover oxycodone from when they fixed my knee. Would that work?”

Mother: “Yes! That will work! Where is it?”

Grandmother: “It’s just in our bathroom, on the top shelf of the medicine cabinet.”

Mother: *exaggeratedly rubs side of neck* “Oh! Can you go get it for me? My neck hurts too much to look up!”

Me: *starts to get out of chair* “I can go grab it.”

Mother: *waves her hand at me to sit back down* “Oh no, dear! Don’t you fuss over little ol’ me! [Grandmother] can get it just fine!”

(My husband and I just sit awkwardly while [Grandmother] has to stop working on a side-dish and wash her hands to go to the bathroom and retrieve the pills. She hands one to [Mother] who immediately swallows the pill without water.)

Mother: “Oh! I hope that helps! My neck is just so sore!”

(But, not even five minutes later, she’s still complaining about the “horrible pain” in her neck:)

Mother: *turning to aunt and interrupting my husband again* “You know that pill just is not working! Can I have one of your muscle-relaxers?”

Me: “It probably just hasn’t kicked in yet. You could try to give it a few more minutes?”

Mother: *in a snotty tone* “No! It’s definitely not working! I knew this would happen; I always have to take more than other people! [Aunt] please? My neck hurts!”

([Aunt] turns and pulls a pill out of her purse, while rolling her eyes so I can see, and hands it to [Mother] who, once again, swallows it without a drink. She finally stops complaining and we go back to chatting. About ten minutes later she is telling a story about her work when this happens:)

Mother: “—and they said I did such a good job with the display that they want me to…” *voice trails off and she just sits quietly for a moment*

Husband: “Uh… Mom?”

Mother: *softly* “It’s really pretty in here with all these lights!”

([Aunt] turns to hide her face as she quietly shakes with laughter.)

Husband: “Um, okay. You were saying? About the display?”

Me: *looking at [Mother]’s eyes, which have dilated considerably* “Uh, honey, I don’t think she’s going to finish that story.”

Husband: *whispering to [Aunt]* “Did she just get high off those pills?!”

([Aunt] just lost it and started laughing so hard she almost fell out of her chair, which just made the rest of us laugh! [Mother] was so out of it that we couldn’t get her to stand up, so we just let her sit at the table. She was so high she just stared at the lights and occasionally giggled to herself for the next few hours while we continued to hang out. She did mostly come-to once dinner was served. I don’t know if she realized what happened, or refuses to admit it as she has never mentioned it, but the rest of the family likes to joke about it every year!)