Mother Is Always Right, Grandma Is Always Wrong

(My grandma is visiting my mom and me. My dad is changing the sink taps, and this comes into the conversation.)

Grandma: “Yeah, so he’s under the sink changing the taps. I can’t see his head, just his barrel chest and tiny a** and legs.”

Mom: “Yeah, and my son totally wanted to hear that.”

(Some conversation passes, then my grandma is walking out for a cigarette.)

Grandma: “I can’t decide if that’s a fart or s***.”

Me: “You’re just full of things I don’t want to hear today.”

Grandma: “Yeah, and my insides feel really bad.”

Me: “And it continues.”

Grandma: “And I really need to shave my legs. Actually probably the full on wax.”

Me: “Okay, now you’re just f***ing with me.”

Grandma: “No, I’m coitus-ing with you.”