Not Enough Spanish In The World To Say How Sorry You Are

(I work at the front desk in a hotel. One fine morning, just before dawn, we get a call from one of the rooms plaintively asking if we could please call an ambulance. The voice on the phone is rather weak, but is very apologetic, and keeps saying she’s sorry to be such a bother, etc. I send my coworker down the hall to see if he can help her any while I make the call. The ambulance arrives quickly and the woman is bundled off, with my coworker coming back to the front desk.)

Me: “How bad is she? She going to be okay?”

Coworker: “Yeah, but you wouldn’t believe the mess in the bathroom. Whatever hit her, it was bad.”

Me: “How bad is it?”

Coworker: “Trust me when I say you wouldn’t believe me. It’s really bad in there.”

(Gentle readers, I have insufficient words to describe the mess in that bathroom. Apparently, whatever illness had the guest in its grip had her expelling from both ends, with great force. Further, she had been gripped with dizziness and vertigo, so there wasn’t any aiming for a proper target. There is vomit and fecal matter over everything — and I do mean everything — in that bathroom. A bit later, the head housekeeper comes in, and I get to practice my Spanish:)

Me: “Ah, [Housekeeper]? Por favor… 104 no es bueno.” *Please, 104 is not good*.

Housekeeper: “¿No?”

Me: “No. Es baño.” *No. It’s a toilet.*

Housekeeper: “¿Baño?”

Me: *handing her the key* “Si… Lo siento mucho.” *Yes, I am very sorry.*

(She took the key with a skeptical look; as a housekeeper, she’s seen it all. A moment later, I heard a loud “¡Ay-yi-yi!” from down the hall.)