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Noooooo, Not The Napkins!

, , , , , , | Legal | February 17, 2023

My first car was secondhand from my grandfather. By the time of this story, the remote/keyfob is unreliable; among the problems it causes me, the locking button doesn’t work, which means my car is usually unlocked for want of a means to lock it.

One day, I open the door to get into the vehicle and find my glovebox and console compartment both hanging open. Someone has been through the car. On realizing that I can’t find my vehicle registration, I immediately call my mother under the impression that this is a serious thing.

Mother: “The registration can be replaced, and it’s of no use to someone who doesn’t have the vehicle. What else did you have in the car?”

I realize that I am missing an accumulation of fast-food napkins and a package of reusable plastic straws… and that’s it. I didn’t leave my phone or wallet in the vehicle, my winter coat is still in the back seat, and my tire gauge is still sitting on the passenger seat.

The infiltrator took napkins, straws, and a registration they couldn’t use. It’s like they opened the door, found nothing of value, and went, “F*** it. I’m not leaving empty-handed.”

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