No, Mr. Customer, I Expect You To Buy!

, , , | Right | October 16, 2019

(I work for a large energy company helping with inbound problems and questions. On occasion, we send our customers free energy-saving measures. On this occasion, we have just sent out two free energy-efficient light bulbs.)

Me: “Morning. You’re through to [My Name]; how can I help?”

Customer: “I need to complain!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. If I could take your name and address we will see what we can do.”

Customer: “You don’t need my information; you just need to know that I’m onto you!”

Me: “Well, I may not be able to help without knowing who you are, but can I ask what you are onto?”

Customer: “Your master plan with these stupid things that just arrived in the post!”

Me: “Okay, are you referring to the low-energy light bulbs? What seems to be the problem? Are they not working?”

Customer: “I’m sure they do work but I won’t use them! You see, I have worked out your scheme to screw over us poor customers!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, I’m confused. What do you mean? They use less energy so they should really help you.”

Customer: “Don’t give me that s***. I know you won’t admit it to me and I bet you can’t believe just a lowly, simple customer has uncovered your plan, but I have!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but I’m lost. Can you explain exactly what you think is going on, please?” *at this point I’m very intrigued*

Customer: “Fine! You send these so-called low-energy bulbs that produce less heat; this means my house is colder and I have to put the heating on more so I actually use more energy. You’re screwing us over. It’s a conspiracy and I won’t fall for it!”

Me: “…” *note sure what to say*

Customer: “I take that silence as you being shocked that one of your stupid customers has the intelligence to figure out your plot!”

Me: “No, sir, that was me just taking in your imaginative conspiracy theory.”

(The phone went dead. Later that same day, a customer tried to accuse me of attempted murder due to the light bulbs containing mercury. We stopped sending them out soon after!)

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