No ID-ea How Much Trouble They’re In  

(I work in a liquor store. A girl enters who I recognise as being part of a group of 16- and 17-year-olds that hangs around the area.)

Me: “Hi. What can I get for you?”

Customer #1: “Can I have a bottle of that vodka?”

Me: “Okay, can I see some proof of age?”

(She hands me a valid UK driving license, but noting that she has a different facial structure and hair colour to the picture, I question her on the details on “her” card.)

Me: “Can I ask your date of birth?”

Customer #1: “Mine?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Customer #1: “27th of February.”

(The ID I am holding says 2nd of August.)

Me: “I’m sorry; I’m not going to be able to serve you, or give you this ID back.”

Customer #1: “You have to; it’s not your property!”

Me: “It doesn’t appear to be yours, either.”

Customer #1: “I’m calling the police!” *storms out*

Me: “Have a good evening…”

(Fifteen minutes pass and I am aware she is still outside the shop as customers comment on her erratic behavior as they enter. She comes back in a few times to insult me while still on the phone. She re-enters a final time.)

Customer #1: “The police are coming! So, are you going to give me my ID?”

Me: “I cannot return this ID to anyone but its rightful owner, and then they need another form of valid ID. You can tell them they have a week to pick it up here before it is sent to the police.”

Customer #1: “You’re stealing my ID; that’s theft!”

(A second customer introduces himself, stating he has witnessed everything.)

Customer #2: “Hi. I’m a police officer.” *shows his police ID* “And I’m not on duty, but I think you should leave the store now.”

Customer #1: “But he’s stolen my ID. Bouncers don’t take my ID at clubs!”

Customer #2: “Well, they should.”

Customer #1: “Fine! My mom’s a police officer; I’ll get her to come down here.”

Customer #2: “My advice to you is that you don’t do that.”

Customer #1: “She always backs me up and she knows I’ve got this ID!”

(The police officer and I glance at each other, realising the girl has just implicated her mother, a police officer, as an accessory to identity fraud.)

Customer #2: “My advice to you is that if your mother were to come down here, and if she did, in fact, know about this ID, she would certainly lose her job.”

([Customer #1] storms out in a huff.)

Me: “Thanks, man.”

Customer #2: “Oh, no problem. I saw the whole thing. You did well to stay calm.”