The Next Great American Novel Is An Everyday Thing

(I work at the corporate office of a retail chain and publisher. We get product submissions all the time, but they’re SUPPOSED to be done electronically. The buyers never do walk-ins; they just don’t have time.)

Lady: “Hi, I’ve written this novel, and it’s the most amazing story. I’d like for you guys to publish it.”

Me: “Okay, great. You’ll need to submit the manuscript electronically through our website.”

Lady: “Yeah, I know that’s what you’re supposed to tell me, but I know how this goes. Only really dedicated authors get to see the publishers, right? Well, I’m dedicated! So, you can go ahead and give me the green light to talk to them.”

Me: *sighs* “I promise you, that’s not the case at all. In fact, you’re hurting your chances of being considered by being difficult about this. Please go through the proper channels, and you’ll hear back from a buyer soon.”

Lady: “So, here’s my five-minute pitch.” *gives me a FIFTEEN-minute pitch, outlining every detail of her book*

Me: “I’m just the receptionist. Seriously, I have no say with the publishers, so I’m not the one you needed to tell that to.”

Lady: “Fine. Let me talk to a publisher!”

Me: *knows they never pick up their phone, so tries just to humor her* “Sorry, they’re not available.”

Lady: “Okay, fine, I’ll leave this here for them. Oh, but first can you take a picture with me in front of your company sign? This is my first time being published!”

Me: *takes the photo, just hoping she’ll leave* “Okay, I’ll see that they get this. Good luck.”