I bartend at an extremely large bar in an extremely large restaurant. We usually ran with three bartenders (two regular bartenders and one on “service bar” to make the servers’ table’s drinks) on a Saturday night. There are close to fifty seats at the bar. 

Tonight, we were packed. All the seats are taken, and there are guests standing at the bar. The other bartender had split for quite some time to check on a food order in the kitchen, leaving me with fifty-plus customers for over ten minutes, but I was doing it. I was on fire, taking drink orders, food orders, and slamming out drinks with attentiveness, although it was obviously stressful.

Three dudes come up, I put napkins down, greet them, and tell them:

Me: “I’ll be with you shortly.”

In a proficient tornado, I finish the immediate customers before them who had ordered before the guys showed up, finish making their drinks, putting their food order in, etc.

I spin around to the guys, who have waited no more than two minutes.

Me: “Sorry for the wait, what would you like to drink?”

The guy in the middle looks annoyed and says loudly and angrily:

Customer: “Oh, now you’re ready for us?!”

I should add that I’m extremely affable, friendly, and quick to smile, all of which they had received to this point. My face drops, and I ROAR at him:

Me: “YES! NOW I’M READY FOR YOU!”

His buddies immediately laugh at him and hide their faces with menus. He retorts:

Customer: “Oh, you can’t handle how busy it is?”

I roar back:

Me: “It IS busy, and I AM handling it! Extremely f****** well. Can I make you a drink?!”

They ordered, his buddies snickered some more, no complaint to the manager, and they tipped well.

I conducted training for a facility that provided services for people with learning disabilities and mental health issues. New hires were required to undergo a two-week orientation before moving on to their assigned position. Classes included CPR/First Aid, infection control, prevention and management of aggressive behavior, et. al.

One new employee was constantly late to class, and not by five minutes, but sometimes an hour or more, missing vital information. I went to his supervisor.

Me: “You need to fire this guy. He is ALWAYS late and is not getting the information he needs. He’s going to be a problem for you and a danger to our clients.”

Supervisor: “No, we need him; we’re short-staffed.”

Me: “Well, you’re not going to have him anyway at this rate. The quicker he’s gone, the sooner you can get a replacement.”

Supervisor: “No, I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

One month goes by.

Me: “How’s [New Hire] doing?”

Supervisor: “Oh, we had to let him go; he was late for every shift.”

Wow, who’d thunk it?

My husband and I are lying in bed, fiddling on our phones, getting our alarms set, etc. He just downloaded the Steam app and needed to put in a verification code, and was trying to get me to help him remember the letters by using the NATO alphabet.

Husband: “Okay, the code is ‘C’ as in Charlie, 73, ‘J’ as in…wait, what’s ‘J’ again?

He looks at me, and my mind goes numbingly blank.

Me: “…Dj …ang …oooooo?”

Husband: *Blinks.* “Excuse me? Did you just say “Django”? Which doesn’t even start with a ‘J’?”

Me: “Uh… all I can think of is TANGO! But that’s ‘T’! And so, I said Django!”

I bury my face in the pillow.

Me: “I’m going to sleep now.”

I’m working the night shift at a convenience store. A middle-aged lady walks in, grabs a few beers and a bottle of champagne, and comes to the counter to pay. The total is around $30 plus some change.

She puts the stuff on the table and hands me $10.

Me: “Ma’am, this isn’t enough.”

Customer: “I don’t have a job, and I’m a single mother.”

Me: “That doesn’t change that $10 isn’t $30.”

Customer: “You’re a terrible person, and you’re disrespectful to women and single mothers.”

I grab the beer and the champagne and put them under the counter.

Me: “Please leave.”

Surprisingly, she complies, and I go about my business.

Around fifteen minutes later, she walks back into the store, but this time starts talking to me in a manner that I can only describe as aggressive begging.

Customer: “Let me have the drinks.”

Me: “I can’t give you free drinks.”

Customer: “Buy them for me.”

Me: “I’m not doing that.”

Well, this is enough to make her go ape, and she starts grabbing boxes of Cheez-Its and crushing them with her hands.

At the time, I was honestly confused, and I didn’t know what was going on. At the time, I was a teenager, and I’d never encountered a customer like this before.

Me: “Hey! Stop!”

Customer: “Fine, I’ll stop!”

But then she goes and grabs more beers and a bottle of champagne, and says:

Customer: “You’re a jerk! For being mean to me, I’m taking these and leaving!”

Me: “You leave with those, and I’m calling the cops.”

Customer: “You do that and I’ll tell them you hit me.”

Me: *Pointing at the camera.* “And that was caught on the camera, was it?”

Customer: “I’ll tell them you hit me off camera.”

I haven’t noticed, but another customer has walked into the store during this exchange.

Other Customer: “The police aren’t gonna believe you, lady, because they kicked you out of another store yesterday when you were pulling the same s*** you’re trying to pull here! They’re gonna show up, recognize you, and kick you the f*** out!”

The other customer turns to me.

Other Customer: “Call the cops. They know her by name.”

Customer: *Throwing the beer and champagne on the ground.* “You all hate women!”

She runs out, and I’m left to look at the beer and champagne that have, miraculously, survived being thrown to the ground.

Other Customer: “She’s gonna try it at another store tomorrow, I bet, God help whoever works there.”

Me: “I’m glad you were here!”

Other Customer: “I’m not!”

Fair answer!

This was a few years ago, so dialogue is approximate. Before you read on, know that everything happened with the full approval of the couple.

I was a guest on the bride’s side at this wedding. For various reasons, she only had her father, while the groom had a very big family. And they were all determined to make individual speeches. The groom had done his best to shut them down, but they were insistent.

Bride’s father stood up and gave the speech you’d expect. Then the groom’s father, with a very long speech. Then the groom’s mother, even longer. Then, having spoken quietly to the couple, the bride’s father stood up again.

Father Of The Bride: “You know, I used to be a cop, and this place was on my beat! This is going much better than the last time I was here – I had to deal with a couple getting randy in public. Here are all the details. By the way, I have lots of stories like this, and I’ll be giving you another one after every speech from the groom’s side!”

No more speeches. Everyone was relieved. And the bride’s father didn’t have to buy a single drink all night.