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Y’all Ever Hear Of A Landlord?

, , , | Legal | July 4, 2022

I occasionally answer likely scam calls for fun.

Scammer: “We’re looking for [My Name] to sell property. Can I speak to [My Name]? 

Me: “This is her.”

Scammer: “We’re looking for properties to buy and we are interested in [garbled address].”

Me: “I don’t own any properties.” 

My brain catches up to what I thought I heard. 

Me: “Wait, what property is it?” 

Scammer: “[Address]. Are you interested in selling?”

Me: “That’s an apartment complex. I haven’t lived there in ten years.”

Scammer: “Well, who lives there now?”

Would You Like To Try Our Bald Eagle Wings?

, , , , | Right | July 4, 2022

Customer: “Is this company based overseas?”

Me: “Um… no. Our corporate offices are in North Carolina.”

Customer: “Man, this company must really hate America.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “If they loved America, they wouldn’t make you work today.”

Me: “Well… they just want us to be here for any customers that need something.”

Customer: “If I owned a company, I wouldn’t make my employees work.”

Me: “That’s cool. I’m sure they would appreciate that.”

Customer: “Yeah… so can I get three pounds of chicken?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Take This Job And SHOVE IT

, , , , , , , | Working | July 4, 2022

My former company messed up royally, and the resulting exodus was glorious.

My own manager was, to put it bluntly, a monster in a human suit, and even that description probably insults monsters.

The final trigger for just about everyone was the end-of-year reviews. Water-cooler whispers around the lower-rung staff said that everyone who wasn’t management got reviews that were less than stellar, regardless of how hard the employees worked. Many were denied raises entirely and were given a story about how the company simply couldn’t afford to give out raises this year. Some were given chump change and were told that this was the best management could do. By chump change, I mean that some people got $0.05 more per hour, and those were the naïve or desperate who busted their a**es in the hopes of earning recognition. This set the staff on a low simmer.

The true slip-up happened when Human Resources sent a number of emails to the wrong people: the supervisors. In our company, supervisors were doing management work without management benefits and with a laughable increase in pay. The emails blatantly instructed anyone of (actual) management rank and above to spin the exact story we were fed. The email acknowledged that the company was facing record profits, and to prove it, management and those higher were being given incredibly generous (hush money) raises.

This switched the simmer to a roiling boil instantly. The supervisors were hardly even a step above the rest of us, and they had already been having a negative reaction to the nonsense-level workloads that had been dropped on them. Within twenty-four hours, everyone below management was in stealth-mutiny mode.

By the next week, everyone who was not in upper management was starting to take turns “having the flu” as we did interviews at other companies.

Within a month, the company began hemorrhaging employees. Surprised expressions quickly turned into full-on panic.

I had been a bit slower at getting my new job, so by the time I was giving my resignation, management was practically throwing suitcases of money at staff in order to retain them. No one was taking the bait.

Boss: “You know, [My Name], your commitment and loyalty to [Company] haven’t gone unnoticed by upper management, so I’m proud to tell you that all of your work finally has paid off.”

They pushed a list of benefits, and increased pay, at me. These were all things that I had been trying to get for years.

I pushed the list back.

Me: “I don’t think you understand; it’s too late. I’m leaving the company. This is my last day employed by [Company].”

Boss: “What can we offer you to get you to stay?”

I gave them an icy stare.

Me: “Literally nothing. I’m leaving. Let’s be clear. You tried to deny me paid time off for my honeymoon. You told me to put my dying dog in a freezer and to either grieve later or to get over it. You and I both know that anything you offer me now would just turn into a lie within months.”

I stood up from the table.

Me: “You lied to us a few months ago about how all of this—” *tapping the paper on the table in front of me* “—wasn’t possible to offer us, and the fact that you are offering it now proves that you were all deliberately been screwing us over. You are soulless, stupid, and incompetent, and I don’t even need a job reference from this s***show of a company.”

I spun on my heel and walked out, closing the door on their sputtering attempts to reply.

I won’t deny that that felt really, really good, considering how long I had been biting my tongue. The job prospects had been horrible until this point, so my only regret was that I couldn’t get a job opportunity lined up earlier.

Being A Different Kind Of Competitive

, , , , , | Right | July 4, 2022

My client is a residential and commercial painter with years of experience but no marketing history. In order to create a website for him, I give him a “homework” list of details to compile so that I can compose his bio, also include pictures of his previous works, areas of service and expertise, etc.

Two weeks go by and I email asking about his progress. Another week passes and he finally replies simply stating:

Client: “Here’s a link to my competitor. Just use what he has.”

They Acquit Themselves Marvellously

, , , , , , | Working | July 4, 2022

I have worked as a stocker for a craft store for over a year. But when my dad retires, we were moving out of state. I hand in my two-week notice, slating the eighteenth of the month (a Wednesday) as my last day of work.

I double-check my schedule to make sure I’m taken off, and I see that I’m scheduled until the twentieth, that Friday.

Me: “Hey, [Store Manager], I can’t work the last two days. The eighteenth is my last day.”

Store Manager: “Oh, really? I thought you could work a few days after that.”

Me: “No, I’m moving out of state. We’re packing up our last bit of stuff and leaving. It even says on my notice that the eighteenth is the last day I can possibly work.”

Store Manager: “Oh, okay. I’ll fix the schedule.”

It’s mildly irritating to have to argue my case, but the store manager has always been a bit spacey and disconnected from reality and time, so I chalk it up to him having a derp moment and let it go. I work my last few days, get hugs from the coworkers I’m friendly with, say goodbye to all the staff, and go home for the final time.

Thursday, the nineteenth, I get a call on my cell phone from the craft store’s number.

Floor Manager: “[My Name], where are you?!”

Me: “Home, packing the last of my stuff. The eighteenth was my last day. I told [Store Manager] to take me off the schedule.”

Floor Manager: “I put you back on there myself. We need you for a few more days. You’re supposed to be here now!”

Oh, so it was [Floor Manager’s] fault. She and I have butted heads often, to the point I reported her to corporate for trying to make me work off the clock.

Me: *Irritated* “Well, I’m not available. I’m leaving the state. You had two weeks to rearrange the schedule to prepare for this.”

Floor Manager: “The store does not arrange itself to your schedule. This is a job, and you need to work when needed.”

Me: “Not anymore. I don’t work for the store anymore. [Store Manager] even gave me my last paycheck.”

Floor Manager: “You don’t get your paycheck until Friday, so you can knock off the lying. Get in here, and I’ll think about not writing you up for this.”

I am silent for about a heartbeat, stunned by the sheer idiocy. Then, I burst out laughing. Loudly. And at length.

[Floor Manager] tries to yell at me, but I am laughing so hard that I can’t stop to hear anything she says, so I just laugh over her. When I catch my breath again, I say into the seething silence:

Me: “I quit on Wednesday. I don’t take orders from you anymore. Goodbye.”

I hung up on her and let the further calls go straight to voicemail.