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She’s On The Top Stair Of Entitlement

, , , | Right | May 15, 2021

Customer: “Can you help me load my groceries?”

Me: “Sure.”

I go out and help her load the groceries into her car. Then, I turn with the cart to take it back to the store.

Customer: “Where are you going?!”

I stop and quickly check the cart to see if I am accidentally taking away a bag I missed or something, but the cart is empty.

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “I need help unloading my groceries.”

Me: *Completely confused* “You want me to unload your groceries?”

Customer: “Yes. I need help carrying them up the stairs.”

Me: “What stairs?”

Customer: *Actually rolling her eyes* “To my apartment.”

I pause as it finally dawns on me what she is asking.

Me: “I… am not going to ride to your apartment to unload your groceries.”

Customer: “What?! Why not?!”

Me: “Because I don’t know you!”

I should have said something like, “Because that’s crazy talk,” or, “Because that’s not my job,” but apparently, “I don’t know you,” was enough to jog her brain and get her to realize that she’d been trying to ask a complete stranger to get in her car and drive with her to her house. She immediately jumped into her car and quickly pulled out.

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Let Me Hamburger Help You With That

, , , , , | Related | May 15, 2021

My mother was old-school; you ate what she served you or you would either sit all night at the table picking at the plate or have it served to you for breakfast the next morning. And no, simply skipping dinner was not an option; you eat it, period!

My most hated meal of hers was liver and onions. The mere scent of it just made me sick to my stomach, and on more than one occasion, I would retch while trying to force it down. One evening, my dear little sister came in from soccer practice to find me at the table, picking at the dish. As she plopped her tired little body on the sofa, I suddenly had an idea.

Me: “[Sister], if I give you my allowance for this week and do all your chores, will you eat this slop?” 

To my surprise, her eyes lit up.

Sister: *Squeaking* “Is that liver and onions? Mmm!”

Then, she proceeded to scarf the plate down like a starved orphan. My mother later entered the kitchen, saw the empty plate in the sink, and immediately began furiously searching the trash can. After coming up empty-handed, she demanded:

Mother: “How did you eat that so fast?!”

Me: *Shrugging* “It wasn’t as bad as I thought, I guess.”

As she walked away with a puzzled look on her face, my sister and I quietly smirked at each other.

Later on, I came home to find my poor sister sitting at the table with tears trickling down her face and taking tiny bites of her meal — Hamburger Helper, which she passionately hates and I love, ironically.

Mother & Father: “Eat!”

They finished their meals and left, leaving my sister alone at the table. She looked at me with those sad puppy dog eyes, and she didn’t have to say a word. I gladly scooted over and feasted.

Sister: “You don’t have to eat all of it if you don’t want to… Are you sure? It’s gross… Okay, wow! Thanks!”

And again, when my parents came back later on, they were flabbergasted to find my sister’s plate cleaned and her skipping away as happy as a spring bunny.

For years, my sister and I had that little deal “under the table” — if one of us hated a meal, the other one of us pretended not to like it either and then later ate REALLY good that night. And most puzzlingly, neither one of our parents ever caught on.

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You Can Remember Some Of The Papal Some Of The Time

, , , , | Friendly | May 15, 2021

My aunt one day meets the local priest somewhere in their very small hometown, where everybody knows everyone. After exchanging the usual greetings, the priest asks her:

Priest: “So, how is your husband doing?”

Aunt: “You tell me; you buried him last year!”

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That’s A Lox To Take In

, , , , | Right | May 15, 2021

I work at a sandwich shop that specializes in bagels. I don’t get out too much, so I’m not familiar with a lot of slang that’s apparently in common use. It also doesn’t help that I live close to the city that was voted to have the worst-sounding dialect.

Me: “Hi! How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hey, I’d just like lox on plain.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what was that?”

Customer: “Your lox sandwich.”

Me: “I’m afraid we don’t have a sandwich called lox?”

Customer: *Becoming agitated* “Yes, you do! You have it right there! I just want lox!”

He points to a picture on the lunch menu, though I can’t tell which one.

Me: “I don’t know what that is.”

Customer: “LOX! ON PLAIN!”

Me: “Uh… [Manager]?”

I turn to the manager on duty, who has just finished making another customer’s order.

Me: “Do we have lox?”

Manager: *Obviously exhausted* “Lox is the salmon sandwich.” *To the customer* “Do you want everything on that?”

Customer: “Yes! Finally!”

I still don’t know why he didn’t just say “salmon sandwich,” because apparently, lox is just salmon and cream cheese, while our salmon sandwich includes capers, onions, and tomatoes, as well. It would also have been nice if he weren’t so loud and rude.

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CAT Scans In The Twilight Zone

, , , , , , , | Healthy | May 15, 2021

I arrive early for my CAT scan and sit in the waiting room. [Tech #1] comes out of the back.

Tech #1: “Is [Man] here? [Man]? [Man]?”

Receptionist: “Who’s [Man]?”

Tech #1: “His wife is back there and too dizzy to walk. I’m looking for her husband.” *Louder* “[MAN]! [MAN]?!”

[Tech #1] disappears for a few minutes and then he’s back.

Tech #1: “[Man]? [MAN]?! [Receptionist], would you page him?”

Receptionist: “What’s his last name?”

Tech #1: “Just page [Man].”

Receptionist: “I can’t do that! There are lots of [Man]s!”

Tech #1: “I don’t know his last name. Just page him!”

[Tech #1] disappears again. [Tech #2] comes out of the back pushing a woman in a wheelchair.

Tech #2: “Someone’s supposed to transport this woman to the lobby.”

Receptionist: “Park her over there until they come.”

[Tech #2] parks the woman and goes into the back.

Tech #1: “[Man]? [Man]?”

Transport Nurse: “Where’s the woman in the wheelchair?”

Receptionist: *Waving vaguely* “Over there.”

Transport Nurse: “I see the wheelchair, but it’s empty.”

Receptionist: “That’s odd.”

The transport nurse leaves.

Receptionist: “[My Name], we’ll get to you in just a few more minutes.”

Me: “That’s just fine. You’ve lost two people in the ten minutes I’ve been here, so I’m really overwhelmed with confidence at the moment.”

Someone else behind the reception desk calls out:

Employee: “Don’t ask me! I’m on lunch!”

Tech #1: “[Man]?”

They did eventually find [Man]. They never found the missing lady. And my CAT scan went on without further incident — whew!

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