(My boyfriend and I are talking about presents we should get for Christmas. We have been together 3 years.)

Him: “I don’t even need anything this year. I have everything I need.”

Me: “Well, a present isn’t always what you need, but what you want!”

Him: “Well, what do you want?”

(In response I stretch my arms and wiggle my left ring finger to suggest what he knows I really want, an engagement ring!)

Me: “Oh, I don’t know…”

Him: “Well, besides surgery for that strange tic in your finger. What is that finger called again? Oh yeah, the fourth finger!”

(I start laughing uncontrollably.)

(We are eating our anniversary dinner together.)

Boyfriend: “It’s weird that you’ll be a corpse one day.”

Wife: “If I became a zombie, would you kill me?”

Me: *without hesitation* “Yes.”

Wife: “You didn’t even hesitate! You would really kill me if I was a zombie?”

Me: “Yes. You’d be an undead flesh eater, who would jeopardize my personal safety. You would keep zombie me alive?”

Wife: “Yes, why wouldn’t I?”

(She begins to get a bit upset.)

Me: “I would want to eat you and the kids. Also, I would… Wait, wait, back up. Are we seriously arguing over this?”

(My wife pauses and thinks, and then bursts out laughing.)

Wife: “I’m sorry, that was stupid to get upset over. Good night!”

Me: “Braaaains!”

(My fiancé is talking to his mother. She is telling him her friend is moving to Alaska. Her friend and her have an argument about how he is getting there and she tells my fiancé about it later.)

Fiancé: “What was the argument about?”

Mom: “He said he was driving to Alaska, but I don’t get how he’d do that. It’s an island.”

Fiancé: “But, it’s not an island.”

Mom: “Yes it is, I’ve seen the maps. I’m not an idiot. On all the maps it’s in that box down by Hawaii.”

(I release a wall-shaking belch at the dinner table.)

Mother: “Just like his father.”

Father: “Yeah, and when I find that S.O.B…”

(Just to note, there has been no infidelity between my parents.)