(My boyfriend and I are a long way from having children, but we wind up playing the “What If?” game a lot. We start talking about names for our future child.)

Boyfriend: “Well, in my family we have a tradition that all the boys have the initials of GRH.”

Me: “Ugh. I have yet to find a good ‘G name, and we are not naming the kid after you or your father. Definitely not your brother, and all the other names either sound pretentious or cartoony.”

Boyfriend: “Hey! But I want to keep to tradition.”

Me: “So do I. My family uses exotic names and names of our elders.”

Boyfriend: *thinks before jokingly proclaims* “I got it! Gambit!”

Me: “That’s perfect!”

Boyfriend: “I was just joking.”

Me: “You’re too late for that. I have to carry the kid for 9 months and it fits all of our requirements.”

Boyfriend: “You know that my brother’s son’s middle name is Logan right?”

(I laugh.)

Boyfriend: *grins* “You can teach him how to staff fight, but who are we going to find to teach him how to throw cards?”

Me: “There’s another problem.”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: *serious* “You and I both carry the twin gene.”

(He is stunned.)

Me: “I will not give birth to the wonder twins!”

(My 3-year-old daughter is watching the roommate’s cat, Nedley, lick the dripping water faucet in the kitchen. After a minute or so, the cat stops, and just sits staring out the kitchen window.)

Daughter: “Mommy! I think Nedley needs new batteries!”

(I am on a plane, and a mother and her young daughter are sitting in front of me. The daughter is mostly well-behaved, though inquisitive.)

Daughter: *looking out the window at the clouds* “Mommy, I learned that heaven is up in the sky.”

Mother: “Yep.”

Daughter: “Is that heaven, outside?”

Mother: “Yes, honey, it is.”

(There is a pause as the daughter focuses on the clouds.)

Daughter: *accusingly* “But I don’t see God or Jesus anywhere!”

This story is part of our Terrible Airline Passengers roundup!

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(I’m clumsy, and I am putting away leftovers after dinner when I dropp one of the containers. As I’m getting mad about it, my 3 year old approaches.)

Daughter: “You okay, Mommy?”

Me: “Yes, I’m okay.”

Daughter: “You got boo boo?”

Me: “No, I’m fine.”

Daughter: “You got boo boo?”

Me: “No, really I’m fine.”

Daughter: *in demonic voice* “YOU GOT BOO BOO!”

Me: “Okay, okay, I have a boo boo!”

(I hold out my hand.)

Daughter: *kisses hand* “There you go!” *cheerfully walks away*

(I am at a fast-food restaurant eating ice cream with my mother, brother, seven cousins and aunt after an award ceremony. I am 14, and am in a very silly mood, while my 12-year-old cousin is very tired.)

Me: “Hey, let me read your palm!”

Cousin: “Okay?”

Me: *tracing palm* “Hmm, I see you will have 29 children and 17 divorces.”

Cousin: “17?!”

Me: “No, wait. There’s one death here. Oh, and I see you’ll gain superpowers. However, you will die at age 23 from a koala attack.”

Cousin: “A koala attack?! I have superpowers, but I’m killed by koalas?!”

Me: “Yes. Koalas are the only things that can kill you. They are your kryptonite. You see, they both start with K.”

Cousin: *disbelieving* “Uh-huh.”

Me: “God, you’re turning into such a teenager!”

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