(I’m working in the fitting room of a popular clothing store. A customer enters with several pairs of shorts.)

Me: “Found some items you liked? I’ll start a fitting room for you.”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m not sure if these will work.”

Me: “I’ll be happy to switch the sizes out for you if these don’t work out.”

(She enters her fitting room and starts trying on her shorts. After a few minutes, she comes out wearing a pair that are WAY too small for her.)

Customer: “Oh, no…these won’t work!”

Me: “You’re right. A different size would work better.”

Customer: “Oh good! I’m glad you agree. These are a 6…can you get me a 2 and a 4?”

Me: *mouth hanging open*

(Note: My boss only purchased this particular pizza shop about four years ago. I am answering a phone call at the beginning of my shift.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [shop name]. Will this be for pick-up or delivery?”

Customer: “Uh, is this the NEW [shop name]?”

Me: “Yes, the current owner purchased this restaurant about four years ago.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Uh…can I get a delivery?”

Me: “Sure! What’s your address?”

Customer: “Yeah, I just want two large pies and a dime bag.”

Me: *taken aback* “Um…excuse me?”

Customer: “Two large pies and a dime bag.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir…a dime bag?!”

Customer: “Can’t I get a dime bag with my delivery?”

Me: “No, absolutely not. We only sell food here…no dime bags!”

Customer: “Oh, okay then.”

(He proceeds to give me his contact information for two large pies. After the call ends, I bring the order into the kitchen. However, before I have a chance to even hand the slip to the cook, the phone rings again.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [shop name]. Will this be for pick-up or delivery?””

Same Customer: “Uh, yeah, I wanna cancel my order for two large pizzas.”

Me: “Okay, so you want to cancel the two pizzas, correct?”

Same Customer: “Yeah. Unless I can get a dime bag with them, that is.”

Me: “No, you still can’t get a dime bag.”

Same Customer: “Oh, okay. Yeah, cancel the order…”

(I found out later that 15 years ago, a previous owner used to run a little “side operation” for quite some time before the police caught on and sent him to jail.)

(A new customer walks into our liquor store. Note that I am the store manager and have been there a number of years, and have a significant appreciation for wine.)

Me: “Good afternoon, ma’am. Can I help you with anything today?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m going to a dinner party this evening and want to bring a bottle of wine. I don’t know anything about wines, though, and I would like to show off a bit.”

Me: “Certainly, I can help you with that. Do you know what food they will be serving at this party?”

Customer: “Oh, yes. Roast beef or lamb, I think.”

Me: “In that case, you would want a red wine. If you’re not sure of the meal, then I would suggest one of the blends as they are good all rounders and a safer bet if you’re unsure. As for showing off, we have some very nice wines from Chile that we have just got in. Chile has been producing some very nice wines that are winning a number of awards at the moment, and they’re very new to the Australian market so they would be the perfect thing for showing off wine appreciation.”

Customer: “No, I said we we’re having a roast, not a curry! I don’t want anything spicy!”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am… I meant the country, not the spice. These are not spicy wines. They’re just from Chile.”

Customer: “No, I said I don’t want a spicy wine. Can’t you just show me a wine that will make me look like I’m smart in front of my friends?!”

This story is part of the third Wine roundup!

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(My ex and I are slowly trying to rebuild a friendship. We sometimes discuss our current relationship issues.)

Ex: “My boyfriend and I had a horrible fight.”

Me: “Over what?”

Ex: “Nutella.”

Me: “Huh?”

Ex: “See, he asked me not to eat the last of his Nutella. But I wanted some, so I ate it.”

Me: “Did you know he’d be upset if you ate it?”

Ex: “Yes.”

Me: “Then why did you do so?”

Ex: “Because I don’t think it’s something he should get upset about.”

Me: “Okay, let me make sure I understand. Your boyfriend asked you not to do something but you did it anyway, knowing it would upset him. And now you’re angry with him because he’s angry with you.”

Ex: “That’s correct.”

Me: “Wow. You’re a keeper.”

Boyfriend: “Are we going to do the Spartacus workout tonight?”

Me: “I was planning on it.”

Boyfriend: “THIS… IS…SPARTA!”

(He grabs me from behind, spins me around, and kisses me.)

Boyfriend: “That was a Spartakiss!”