(My girlfriend often jokingly compares driving my SUV to driving a walrus, because it’s bigger than her car. I walk outside with a co-worker who I am giving a ride home to see my rear window had been carefully painted. This co-worker is female, and thinks she’d be a much better match for me than my girlfriend.)
Coworker: “What the h*** is that?”
Me: *laughing* “It’s a walrus.”
Coworker: “Who would do that to your car?!”
Me: “My girlfriend.”
(I opened the car door to find a stuffed walrus on my driver’s seat with a card pinned to it that says ‘Today, I am the walrus! Love you!’.)
Coworker: *snatching the walrus and reading the card* “This is so stupid! How lame is your girlfriend? I mean, come on! When are you going to dump her, already?”
Girlfriend: *jumping out of the backseat* “Surprise!”
(My coworker took the bus home. My girlfriend? I took her out to dinner.)
(I am driving home from the cinema with my 9-year-old son. I get cup up by another driver and in my frustration muttered ‘wanker’ under my breath.)
Son: “What’s a wanker, mum?”
Me: “Um, its a man who plays with his willy.”
Son: “Oh.” *looks contemplative* “But mum, how did you know he was playing with his willy?”
Grandma: “So, have you got a boyfriend?”
Me: “No, I don’t really like boys.”
Grandma: “Are you telling me you’re a lesbian?”
*awkward pause*
Me: “Yes?”
Grandma: “I thought so. Hey, was that your girlfriend I walked in on last year? She was hot!”
*incredibly awkward pause*
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(My family and I go to a fast food restaurant chain. It aptly has “Burger” in its name, as it sells mostly hamburgers and cheeseburgers.)
My Mother: “I will also need one burger.”
Cashier: “One what?”
My Mother: “One regular burger.”
Cashier: “I’m sorry, we don’t sell burgers here.”
My Mother: *confused* “You don’t sell burgers here?”
Cashier: “No, we only sell cheeseburgers and hamburgers. No burgers!”
My Mother: *speechless*
(Having just eaten a generous serving of risotto, a customer waves me over, pointing to his empty plate.)
Me: “Hi there. Everything alright with your meal?”
Customer: “No.”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. What seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “I’m still hungry. I’d like some more.”
Me: “There are dessert menus on the tables and specials on the board—”
Customer: “No. I want more of this.”
Me: “Sure. Another risotto will be £6.95, please.”
Customer: “I don’t want to PAY! I just want some more. You should take it as a compliment!”
