Customer: “Oh, look at all this yummy gelato!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, the front row is gelato and the back row is ice cream.”

Customer: “Okay, I want butter pecan.”

(Butter pecan is in the back row, so it’s an ice cream. I scoop it for her.)

Customer: “Well, this is just delicious. Do you have any regular ice cream and not gelato?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Like I said before, the back row is ice cream.”

Customer: *stops eating suddenly* “What? But I wanted gelato!”

Me: “Ma’am, I told you which ones were the gelatos. I can get you something else.”

Customer: “But, but, but I wanted gelato!”

Customer’s Husband: “Quit your b****in’. I’ll eat it at home.”

This story is part of our Ice Cream roundup!

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Me: *on overhead* “Good evening, shoppers. The time is now 11 pm and your shopping center is now closed for the evening. Please bring all final purchases to the lit registers and thank you for shopping with us. Good night.”

(Five minutes later…)

Customer: “Can I still check out?”

Cashier: *next to me* “Yes, come on in.”

Customer: “I need to check some prices on a few items, can you do that for me?”

Cashier: “I think everyone in that department has gone home, but I can check for you.”

(Ten minutes later…)

Cashier: “That will be $174.34, please.”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t have enough money. Can I write you an IOU? I shop here all the time.”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, we can’t take IOUs.”

Customer: “Then can you hold this until the morning, and I can come back?”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, we can’t hold things overnight. Our policy states we can’t do that.”

Customer: “So, what… you’re trying to kick me out of the store?!”

Cashier: “No, ma’am. If you’d like to take a few things off to afford your purchase, I’d be more than happy to check you out.”

Customer: “FINE! I’m done!” *storms out of the store*

Me: *on overhead* “Hallelujah! Hallelujah!”

This story is part of the Closing Time roundup!

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Read the Closing Time roundup!

(A customer comes up to the register with her sandwich purchase, which had sun-dried tomatoes on it.)

Customer: “Do you make the sun-dried tomatoes here?”

Me: *jokingly* “Yes, we have several lawn chairs in back. We cut the tomatoes into little strips and leave them out there for a week or two. ”

Customer: “Really?!”

Me: “No, I was just kidding. We get them from a distributor. ”

Customer: “Well, that’s not nice of you at all! When I was growing up I was always taught to believe things I was told by salespeople!”

This story is part of the Humorless Customers roundup!

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Read the Humorless Customers roundup!

(A customer comes in to return a powerhorn. We’re often wary of these returns, as customers often put them under their car to increase their radio’s volume and blow them out within a day.)

Customer: “I don’t need this. I didn’t open it.”

Coworker: “Okay, let me take a look at it…”

(The packaging HAS been opened, but it still might not be a big deal. However, my coworker finds a chicken bone in the box.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, I think you left something in here.”

Customer: “Oh! That’s my lunch!”

Coworker: “You said you didn’t open it?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Coworker: “But there’s a chicken bone in the box. And the wiring has been cut. And the unit is cracked.”

Customer: “It CAME like that.”

Coworker: “With a chicken bone in the box?!”

Customer: “YEAH!”

(I’m at a customer’s house to try to repair a desk…)

Me: “Well, it can’t be repaired, so I’ll have to order a new desktop. It could be a couple of weeks.”

Customer: “So you’re taking this one with you right?”

Me: “No, I can’t fit it in my vehicle.”

Customer: “So you’ll be back for it then?”

Me: “No, we don’t do delivery; henceforth, we don’t do pickups, either.”

Customer: “But I bought it from your store!”

Me: “…and you took it home from my store.”

Customer: “Yeah, and it barely fit in my SUV!”

Me: “But it did fit, and you took it home with you.”

Customer: “Well, you’re going to need to pick it up. I’m not bringing it all the way back.”

Me: “Stay with me here: you bought it, picked it up, took it to your home and discovered it had a problem. Now you want to disavow all responsibility? That isn’t how it works. If you got a blender home and it didn’t work, would you call the store and tell them to come to pick it up?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “You’re remodeling your home, not paying me to do it. Don’t forget what that Y stands for in DIY.”

Customer: *sheepishly* “…can you help me put it in my car?”