(It’s my boyfriend’s sisters wedding, and we’ve been together for almost two years. His younger sisters are both in relationships as well, and we’re all anticipating the awful ‘who’s next’ jokes.)

Me: *quietly, to my boyfriend* “So, what’s the plan of action if anyone asks when
we’re getting married?”

Boyfriend: *equally quietly* “Punch them.”

(After the ceremony, the groom’s grandfather is talking to us.)

Grandfather: *jokingly* “So, when are you two getting married?”

Boyfriend: *to me* “Go on, punch him!”

(Thankfully, he wasn’t serious, and the grandfather thought it was hilarious!)

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(I work as a Drug Tester, doing supervised urinalysis for the state. I am male, but I get male and female clients. When I get a female client I have to get a female coworker to do the supervision. I am admitting a brand new female client and call one of my coworkers down.)

Co-worker: *after doing the test and sending the client on her way* “That was the
most awkward urinalysis ever.”

Me: “Why?”

Co-worker: “That was my boyfriend’s ex!”

(I work in a bakery. I’m serving a man in his thirties, who orders for him and his girlfriend. She’s off into the nearby supermarket to get some stuff. When she returns, she carries a bag of flower soil.)

Girlfriend: *holding the bag in front of her belly* “Darling, I’m pregnant. It’s going to be a tree.”

Boyfriend: *without missing a beat* “That’s not mine, then. I’m not a member of the photosynthesis crew.”

Girlfriend: “I’m sorry! It was cross-pollination! I couldn’t do anything about it!”

(By that time, I’m trying not to laugh too loud, but I can’t help grinning. I hand over their order.)

Girlfriend: “Hey, what’s that? Coffee?”

Boyfriend: “Yep. You want one, too? It’s on me.”

Girlfriend: “Thanks.” *addressing me* “Can I have a hot chocolate, please? I have to drink for two now, you know.”

Me: “Sure thing.”

Girlfriend: *to boyfriend* “Maybe it’s going to be a chocolate tree if I drink enough.”

Boyfriend: *to me* “Could you make that a coffee, then? I prefer coffee.”

Girlfriend: *to me* “But I don’t. Chocolate, please.”

Boyfriend: “Hey, you cheated on me with some bumblebee! Making it become my
favourite beverage tree is the least you can do!”

(A man in his early thirties and his grandmother come up to my register and begin unloading groceries.)

Me: “How are you doing today?”

Guy: “I’m doing alright. I’d be better if I had a girlfriend. Are any of your friends single?”

Me: “Uh, nope all my friends are taken. Sorry.”

Guy: “Grandma, did you hear that? All her friends are taken!”

(We’re leaving the Farmer’s Market and passing the honey stand. We return four empty jars to them and my 7-year-old daughter tastes their honey (as she does every week). She buys some with her allowance (as she does periodically).

Bee lady: *as we are about to leave* “Oh, wait. I want to give your daughter something.”

(She starts to hand us a honey stick.)

Me: “Thanks, but we just bought honey sticks.”

Bee lady: “I want to give her a reward for bringing back all those containers.”

Me: “Why don’t you save it until next week? She had your tastings and already ate a honey stick. That’s enough for her.”

Daughter: “I already had my reward. I got to buy more honey!”

(The bee lady smiles.)

Daughter: “I got yummy honey! That’s all the reward I need.”