All of our stories, starting with the newest!
Guest: “Excuse me?”
Ride Operator: “Yes, sir?”
Guest: “Where’s the VIP line of this ride?”
Ride Operator: *confused* “VIP line for what, sir?”
Guest: “For us, the Americans. Where’s the VIP line for the Americans?”
Ride Operator: “We don’t have a VIP line sir for Americans… or anyone.”
Guest: *huffs* “Well, you should!”
This story is part of our Roller-Coasters roundup!
(This happens two days after New Zealand suffered a major earthquake. Most of the central city is a Red Zone with people still trapped in buildings; there is absolutely no access allowed. There are a lot of phone lines out due to breakages, and our technicians are working heaps of extra hours. Everyone is under huge stress.)
Me: “Hello, this is [Company] Faults Service. How can I help you?”
Caller: “My phone isn’t working. I need a technician.”
Me: “Right, I’m sure I can help you with that. Firstly, where are you?”
Caller: “I’m in Christchurch.”
Me: “Okay. We’ve had considerable disruption of our Christchurch services due to the earthquake. Our technicians are not available for callouts at the moment, unfortunately. I can give you an idea of when the service might be restored, though.”
Caller: “I live at [address in the middle of the Red Zone]. I need you to get a technician to come out now.”
Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t do that. That address is in the Red Zone, and we aren’t allowed access.”
Caller: “But I was allowed in. You should be too. I need my phone to work!”
Me: “Well, you’re a resident, ma’am. You have special dispensation to go into the Red Zone.
Caller: “But I need my phone to work! I need it for my business! Get a technician out, now!”
Me: “I’m afraid we can’t do that, ma’am. We can’t access your address, and our technicians are flat-tack busy at the moment trying to restore services.”
Caller: “This is terrible service! I should have gone with [other company]! They guarantee a technician within an hour!”
Me: “Ah, so do we, ma’am. But this is extreme circumstances, and—”
Caller: “Don’t you give me excuses! I want a technician, NOW!”
Me: “Unfortunately, that’s simply not possible. We will restore service as soon as we can, but right now we can’t send out a technician to help you.”
Caller: “Well, I’ll be calling back again when I get back from Auckland! Maybe I’ll get better service then!”
Me: “…Auckland?”
Caller: “Yes, I’m going to go stay with my relatives. Don’t you know there’s been an earthquake?!”
This story is part of our Earthquake roundup!
Read the next Earthquake roundup story!
Read the Earthquake roundup!
(Every year, my town hosts Sundance, which tends to bring some strange people along with it. I am the only one working in a very small paint store, right before close. A customer comes in and proceeds to look around the store for about 15 minutes.)
Me: “I am sorry, sir. We are getting ready to close. Can I help you find something?”
Customer: “I am looking for stuff to make a pipe.”
Me: “Well, sir, we do have some stuff to fix plumbing pipes.”
Customer: “No! I need to make a pipe to smoke out of.”
Me: “Uh, we really don’t have anything like that.”
Customer: “What the h*** kind of hardware store is this?!”
Me: “…A paint store?”
Customer: “Oh… then, can I buy some spray paint to get high on?”
Me: “No, sir. That is illegal.”
Customer: “Even during Sundance?”
Me: “Especially during Sundance!”
Customer: “Buzzkill!” *walks out*
(Note: I am working on the technical support phone line at a large computer reseller.)
Customer: “Hi, I’ve bought a new computer from you guys and it’s brilliant. Unfortunately, you’ve made a small mistake.”
Me: “Sorry about that. What seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “The DVD drive is upside down. It still works, but I have to hold in the discs while I close the drive.”
Me: *confused* “Okay… well, bring it in and I’ll get it sorted while you wait.”
(Half an hour later, I’m covering the returns desk while my colleague is on break. The customer I spoke to on the phone comes up with his computer and places it on the returns desk.)
Customer: “Someone said they’d fix this for me. The DVD drive is upside down.”
Me: *turns computer up the right way*
(The customer was so embarrassed he took his computer and ran out out of the store!)
(We’re at home, cuddling in bed.)
Me: “You are so cute!”
Boyfriend: “I’m not that cute.”
Me: “But you are! You’re adorable!”
Boyfriend: “Alright.”
Me: “Are you trying to be cute? Is this intentional?”
Boyfriend: “No.”
Me: “You’re so cute that I can’t even stand it!”
Boyfriend: “No.”
Me: “That’s it! Stop being so cute!”
Boyfriend: *pauses* “Get me a beer, w****.”
