(I work in a movie/TV memorabilia store. Most of the stock is sci-fi related. A boy approaches my station.)

Boy: “Excuse me, you sell stuff like Klingon to English dictionaries, right?”

Me: “We surely do. There are two in stock at the moment.”

Boy: “Okay, so then do you have a dictionary for Firefly to English? I’m like, obsessed with it… I’d like to know what the people are saying when they speak the space language, so I can say I know everything!”

Me: “Oh, it’s not actually a made-up language. They’re speaking Chinese.”

Customer: “Eh? They are not. It’s a space language. It’s set way in the future and everyone lives in space. Have you never seen it?”

Me: “I have indeed. I’m a big fan. I assure you they speak Chinese.”

(The boy looks surprised and then laughs loudly at me.)

Boy: “You’re a lassie. Isn’t Firefly more for guys? There’s loads of fighting and stuff. You can’t know that much about it. Why the h*** would space-folk speak Chinese, then?”

(I pull my keys from my pocket, from which dangles my Serenity spaceship key-ring.)

Me: “I also own the DVD box-set, the graphic novels, cast posters, two T-shirts, and several other bits and pieces. I’ve even met Jewel Staite. The characters speak Chinese sometimes because, after the war, America and China were the only remaining large power countries, who came together to form The Alliance. The culture-fusion resulted in a mixture of both English and Chinese being the commonly spoken tongues.”

Boy: “You just made that up. You don’t even know. I know far more than you. Who’s Jewel Staite supposed to be, then?”

Me: “She’s the actress who plays Kaylee!”

(A second customer in line who has been listening with interest suddenly pipes up.)

Customer #2: “I thought you knew everything about the show? Quit being such a tool and let me pay for my stuff already.”

Boy: “But I just want a Firefly dictionary! This stupid cow won’t help me!”

Customer #2: “You’ll find a Chinese to English dictionary in any big bookshop. Now if you’ll leave the poor lassie alone, you gorram a**, that’d be shiny!”

(I can’t help but laugh and the boy flips us both off, then storms out, kicking a display as he goes. I smile at the second customer.)

Me: “Thanks for that, mate. Always nice to get back-up from a fellow fan.”

Customer #2: “No problem. That boy was a total sha gua.”

(I gave the customer a free Firefly keyring like mine for that. Note: ‘sha gua’ is Chinese for ‘fool’.)

This story is part of the Movies & TV roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Stories About 3D Movies And The Customers Too Dumb To Figure Them Out

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(A friend of mine, who is a US Marine, has just gotten out of the hospital after rehabilitation. He has a prosthetic leg, and isn’t feeling so great about himself so his girlfriend, some friends and I decide we’re going to take him to his favorite restaurant. We’re waiting to be seated when a stranger, slightly drunk, approaches my friend’s girlfriend.)

Stranger: “Well, hey there, baby!”

My Friend’s Girlfriend: *gives him a look*

Stranger: “Invading the boys’ night, tonight?”

My Friend’s Girlfriend: “No.”

(My friend’s girlfriend sits down next to my friend and kisses him on the cheek.)

Stranger: “Whoa. Why the h*** are you dating him when there are real men around? Whole men!” *to the Marine* “You’re stealing girls from the real men, a**hole!”

(We’re all furious, but my friend’s girlfriend puts up a hand to let us know she’ll handle it.)

My Friend’s Girlfriend: “Look, sweet pea. I may not be the biggest patriot in the room, but I will not let you talk to him like that. He’s been through enough in service to this country. You apologize and then get lost.”

Stranger: “The h*** I will! I deserve a woman. Why the h*** should he!”

My Friend’s Girlfriend: “Because who I choose to date is my decision. Your entitlement complex aside, I’m not going to leave him just because you can’t show some respect.”

Stranger: *gestures to my buddy’s leg* “But he’s not a real man! He can’t keep up with a woman like you or satisfy you!”

My Friend’s Girlfriend: “He’s more man than you’ll ever be. And furthermore, shame on you for having such a discriminatory attitude.”

Stranger: “But I deserve a woman more than this guy ever will! I’m better than him and I always will be!”

(The manager comes over and throws the guy out, and even gives us a discount on our meal beyond the normal military discount. A few days later, my friend tells me that part of the reason he’d been so sad was because he thought his girlfriend would leave him because of his injury. They’re now engaged.)

(My brothers and I are playing poker with a friend of ours. It is my older brother’s turn to deal, but he gets distracted and ends up handing out an uneven number of cards to everyone.)

Older Brother: “How many cards do you have?”

Me: “I’ve only got six.”

Younger Brother: “Seven.”

Friend: “Eight.”

Me: “You can’t math!”

(Long pause.)

Older Brother: “Yeah? Well you can’t ENGLISH!”

(At the warehouse where I work, we’re taking some new hires inside the huge walk-in freezer. Everyone has to put on freezer suits, but I notice one of the new hires is too small to wear our freezer suits.)

Me: “So, one of the new people can’t wear the freezer suit. We’ve gotta put her in a different section.”

Manager #1: “Just zip her into it she’ll be fine.”

Me: “No, the freezer suit is three times too big for her. She wouldn’t be able to safely move and carry things around.”

Manager #1: “Well, maybe she shouldn’t be so small, then!”

Me: “Um… I don’t really think that’s in her control. She’s kinda short.”

Manager #2: “What the h*** is going on?”

Me: “One of the new people is too physically small to safely move around in the freezer suits, so I want to have somebody take her over to another section of the warehouse.”

Manager #2: “Is that [new hire’s name]?”

Me: “Yeah, how’d you know?”

Manager #2: “[Coworker] is a friend of hers. He was joking yesterday that he knew she’d be too small to fit in the suits.” *to the Manager #1* “I left you a note to have her on the other side of the warehouse!”

Manager #1: “I thought that was just ’cause she was a girl!”

(I am about to go on an extended trip, so I’m getting my hair cut from shoulder-length to about an inch long. The hairstylist is very excited to cut and style my hair.)

Hairstylist: “I have a great idea for a style for your hair. But first, would you mind if I give you a mullet and laugh at it for awhile before I give you the cut you want?”

Me: “…Umm… I suppose not.”

(She proceeds to cut my hair into a mullet and almost wet herself laughing, before cutting it short like I wanted.)