Customer: “Looks like I’ll need cash back today.”
(The customer opens his wallet. It’s empty.)
Me: *laughs* “Oh, I know how that is.” *joking* “But I never even have the cash to get back.”
(The customer gets $40 in cash back. I hand him two twenties.)
Me: “Twenty and forty, have a good day, sir!”
Customer: “Thank you!”
(He walks off a moment, then turns around and tosses one of the twenties I handed him onto the register.)
Customer: “A little cash back for you.” *smiles*
(Before I can protest, he leaves. I wound up using that $20 to fill my gas tank. Thank you, sir!)
Boyfriend: “It’s weird.”
Me: “What?”
Boyfriend: “Being in this relationship.”
Me: *a little hurt* “What? Why?”
Boyfriend: “I mean a healthy one! One where I am happy all the time!”
Me: “You could have just led with that instead of making me question everything for a couple of horrifying seconds.”
(My boyfriend and I live 700 miles away from each other, so we frequently call or text to stay in contact. I am also exceptionally innocent and sheltered for my age, so there are some terms or phrases that I frequently get wrong.)
Me: *on the phone* “This distance is awful. We should arrange a meeting or something halfway so we don’t spend 12 hours in the car.”
Boyfriend: “That sounds nice, but what would we do?
Me: “I was thinking we’d rent a hotel room, order pizza, and watch trashy movies.”
Boyfriend: “Um, sweetheart, I don’t think that means what you think it means.”
(He explains.)
Me: *embarrassed* “Oh, my God! I thought those were movies you threw in the trash because they were so bad!”
Boyfriend: *laughing* “And this is one of the many reasons why I love you.”
(My girlfriend and I are walking down the street on my way to work, when a leaf flutters down from a nearby tree. My girlfriend recoils about a foot, with a sudden look of terror. We stop, and I stare at her with huge eyes.)
Girlfriend: “We’re being attacked!”
Me: “It’s a leaf.”
Girlfriend: “But it came at me!”
Me: “With leaf-al intent!”
(My 2-year-old daughter is talking to her father.)
Daughter: “Daddy, can you play with me?”
Dad: “Sorry, daddy is working. Why don’t you ask your mother?”
Daughter: *to me* “Mommy, can daddy play with me?”
