(The restaurant phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m calling to take a survey for my free short stack of pancakes.”

(On receipts, there is a number to call for surveys, but she has called the restaurant.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you appear to have called the wrong number. You are supposed to call the number on your receipt, not the restaurant number.”

Customer: “No! I’m taking this survey over the phone right now! Give me your manager!”

(I proceed to call the manager, who comes up and takes the phone. I notice a woman talking into the phone and hear the exact voice I was talking to.)

Me: “[Manager], this woman is actually sitting in the restaurant!”

Manager: *into the phone* “One moment, ma’am.” *hangs up, then turns to me* “Where is she sat?”

Me: *points over to her table* “Right there.”

(He proceeds to walk over to the table with me in tow.)

Manager: “Excuse me, ma’am. You have to exit the restaurant before you can claim your free pancakes.”

Customer: “HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT WAS ME?! YOU STALKERS! I’M CALLING THE POLICE!” *storms out, red faced and embarrassed*

(I am a waitress at a high end chain of worldwide hotels. It is an extremely busy dinner shift. I am serving an obviously rich man, with who appears to be with a new girlfriend.)

Me: “Good evening, sir, madam. Are you ready to order?”

Male Customer: *showing off* “I want a steak, and I want it how the animals eat it. None of this namby-pamby cookery stuff. Just cave-man style, you know?” *he indicates the woman* “Oh, and just fetch her a salad, or something equally low-calorie. I don’t want her all bloated, if you know what I mean!?” *laughs in a creepy way*

Me: “Erm, okay, sir. So, one blue steak and a house salad.”

Male Customer: “That’s what I said wasn’t it? God, do they employ idiots here? And fetch me a bottle of your really good champagne; not the cheap stuff you give to the general public.”

(I have already realized by this point he is going to be a painful customer, and feel sympathetic to his girlfriend, who is clearly embarrassed. I return with the steak and salad, and after his first mouthful I can hear him shouting across the restaurant).

Male Customer: “Are you trying to kill me? Give me Mad Cow disease?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. What appears to be the problem?”

Male Customer: “My steak is bleeding! And cold in the middle! You’re trying to make me ill, and then charge me a ridiculous amount for it!”

Me: “That is a blue steak. Simply lightly seared on the outside, whilst mainly raw in the middle ‘like the animals would have it.’ I assure you it’s perfectly fine to eat!”

Male Customer: “I am a human being, not a dog! My food needs to be cooked! I will take you to court if I get food poisoning!

(Luckily at this point my manager steps in to calm him down, as he is talking about suing the hotel. Later in the bar, I serve the girlfriend who is now alone. She thanks me for opening her eyes to what a jerk he is and tips me £20, and buys me a drink!)

This story is part of the Steak roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Great Stories About Junk Food, And Why It’s Okay To Indulge Once In A While!

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Read the Steak roundup!

(My boyfriend has always refused to use my toothbrush or allow me to use his. He always brings his own to my place, but this time he has forgotten. As he has been staying over for a few days, he has to, begrudgingly, borrow mine.)

Boyfriend: *putting toothpaste on my toothbrush* “This is gross. This is gross.”

Me: “You’re overreacting.”

Boyfriend: “Gross.”

(He hesitantly begins to brush his teeth. After a couple of seconds, he turns to look at me, his eyes wide.)

Boyfriend: *deadly serious* “This toothbrush is amazing. It’s amazing! It’s so thin! It actually gets in between the teeth instead of just hitting the gums! It’s amazing! Ooh, so soft!”

(He literally begins to drool.)

Me: “…I think you’re overreacting again.”

Boyfriend: “Oooh! Heaven…”

(My fiancé is planning on picking me up at 3 PM from work. I text him throughout the day.)

Me: “Today is going to be stressful. I would love you forever if you bring me a coffee when you get here.”

Fiancé: “I will do just that.”

Me: “I love you.”

Fiancé: “I just want to confirm the pick up of code name ‘Sexy One’ at 1500. Code name ‘Loves Her With All His Heart’ will be bringing the elixir of life with him. Acceptance password will be ‘Love You’ followed by a hug or kiss.”

(I hurt my toe on a blade my boyfriend left out. I text him about it afterwards.)

Me: “It’s no problem… doesn’t even hurt any more.”

Boyfriend: “Well, gouda.”

Me: “It was only a small injury to my feta.”

Boyfriend: “Do I have your parmesan to kiss it better?”

Me: “Of course, but only because I swiss you.”

Boyfriend: “D***, I’m out of cute cheeses.”

Me: “I’m much cheddar at this than you.”