(My boyfriend always jokes I’m the reason he never gets any work done, and has recently started calling me ‘the distracter!’.)

My Boyfriend: “I still have a ton of work. You’re distracting me badly!”

Me: “Excuse you! I am not a distraction, merely a temptation. You are weak, succumbing to temptation and therefore distracting yourself!”

My Boyfriend: “So I must be strong and cast aside the temptations that you lay before me. Be gone, distracter!”

Me: “It’s not that simple, young padawan. You have much to learn.”

My Boyfriend: “Stop being all cute and nerdy! I have work to do!”

(My grandma has just found out that my cousin is gay.)

Grandma: “I can hate a girl she brings home just as much as I can hate a guy she brings home!”

(My daughter is three years old, and she’s all trouble. I’m relaxing watching some TV when she comes into the room with a devilish grin that she’s perfected.)

Daughter: “Open my lollipop for me.”

(I do, and then she tries to hand me the wrapper because she will do anything to avoid cleaning up in any way.)

Me: “Go throw it in the garbage.”

Daughter: “No, I want you to have it.”

Me: *sighs* “Just go throw it in the garbage please.”

Daughter: “But I want to keep it. Please, let me keep it?”

(She places wrapper on the nightstand and walks away. I’m shaking my head at her determination. She walks back into the room two minutes later trying to hand me the lollipop; the scene repeats.)

Daughter: “I don’t want any more.”

Me: “Then throw it in the garbage.”

Daughter: “It’s okay, you can have it.”

Me: “No, I don’t want it. Go throw it away.”

(I refuse to take it and she leaves the room. A couple minutes later, my husband walks in with the lollipop in his mouth.)

Husband: *beaming smile* “Look what she gave me.”

(My mother and my 13-year-old brother are sitting outside our house blowing bubbles for me when I am fairly young. One particular bubble catches a breeze in just the right way that it happens to float slowly in a spiral. It’s similar to the bubble that Glinda the Good Witch appears from in the Wizard of Oz.)

Mom: “Are you a good witch… or a bad witch?”

Brother: “Depends on what time of the month it is.”

(Luckily, it wasn’t the wrong time of the month, and our mom thought it was hysterical!)

(I’m a customer at used clothing shop. A fellow customer, a pretty and well-groomed young lady, looks particular restless. While waiting at the counter, she suddenly bolts up with a panicky look in her eyes.)

Customer: “Hey, please, do you have a toilet I can use?”

Cashier: “Um, we do have a staff toilet, but we are not allowed to let customers use it.”

Customer: *hushed voice* “I have a medical condition and I really can’t hold my bladder. If you don’t let me—”

Cashier: “Well, if that is the case, come here.”

Manager: “H*** no! We are not letting a customer use our toilets. She probably is a junkie or something. There is a gas station a block down. She can go there!”

(Without a word, the customer runs out of the store and starts running for the gas station. As soon as she exits, she cannot hold herself anymore and pees herself. The cashier looks embarrassed, but the manager ignores it. I look at the skirt that I’m holding in my hands.)

Me: “Could you ring this really fast?”

(After buying the skirt, I run out and silently hand it to the young lady. We find a quiet spot where she can change. We have been friends ever since!)