(My wife and I are snuggled on the sofa watching TV. She has a blanket over her with her hands tucked inside it as it’s a cold night.)

Wife: “My nose itches, would you scratch it?”

Me: “Here?” *scratches the tip of her nose gently*

Wife: “No, the inside.”

(I am 8 years old. My mum has just called from the hospital to announce the birth of my brother. I really wanted a sister.)

Me: *sobbing* “Can’t he just have a sex-change operation?!”

Me: “From what I’ve seen on Tumblr, when Asian people see how white people cook rice, they’re always shocked.”

Sister: “They also have rice cookers.”

Mom: “We’re not getting an appliance that only does one thing.”

Sister: “We have a toaster, don’t we?”

(The entire family are in the family room when the doorbell rings. Mom answers the door, to a well-dressed woman outside.)

Woman: “Hi! I’m Alison! I’m the real estate agent for the people who just bought your neighbors’ house.”

Mom: “Nice to meet you.”

Woman: “You see your neighbors’ filed for water damage before—”

(I walk past the open door on my way to the kitchen.)

Woman: “—oh! You have a teenage daughter! My client has two teenage sons! This is just perfect for them!”

(I’m at my boyfriend’s house. We were best friends, but fell in love pretty fast. We are gay, but he didn’t come out until today, so I’m there to support him. His father is sitting in the living room and surfing online, while his mother is right next to him knitting.)

Boyfriend: “Hey…um…I wanted to tell you that I’m gay. [Me] and I have been together for a long time.”

Father: *looking up and taking a deep breath* “So you are gay and [me] is your boyfriend?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah…” *visibly uncomfortable*

Father: *turning to mother* “You heard that? You owe me 20 Euro!”