(I work at a laser tag centre, which is housed in a converted warehouse. As a party is leaving, I see one of their kids swipe the padlocks off the roller door at the front of the building. After I call the parent in charge, the kid comes back.)

Me: “Hey, thanks for coming back.”

(The kid grumpily slaps the padlocks on the counter.)

Kid: *mumbles* “Sorry.” *he clearly isn’t*

Me: “Er, that’s okay, just… don’t do it again. You mind telling me why you stole these in the first place?”

Kid: “They were just hanging there so I grabbed them.”

Me: “What were you going to use them for?”

Kid: “I dunno, I could go lock s***.”

Me: “You do realise that you would never be able to open whatever you locked, right? Because you don’t have the key?”

Kid: *genuinely surprised* “Aw… didn’t think about that.”

Me: *trying to keep a straight face* “Alright, thank you for your honesty. Go back to your parents…”

(The office where I work is fairly small, which results in me overhearing the receptionists’ half of the phone conversations with some of our clients.)

Coworker: “[Office’s name], how can I help you?”

(The client talks, coworker answers the usual questions.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, I understand that but we can’t open your mail to check it for you.”

(The client continues talking.)

Coworker: “Yes, but as I said earlier, we can’t open your mail to check. It’s best that you get a P.O. box.”

(The client is talking again and is apparently upset, as the coworker has a frustrated/annoyed look on her face.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, you’ve called us many times in the past before, and we’ve said it many times before. We really recommend you to get a P.O. box, because we legally can not open your mail to check.”

(Eventually, the client hangs up.)

Me: “Not the first time?”

Coworker: “Won’t be the last.”

(I am the drive-thru cashier on a slow day. Most of the few customers that have come through have been unpleasant or downright rude. During the early afternoon, a very cheerful customer comes through.)

Me: “Welcome to [store name]. What can we make for you today?”

Customer: “Hi! How are you today?”

Me: “I’m doing alright, thanks. You?”

Customer: “Wonderful! Can I have two waters and a [dessert item]?”

Me: “Alright, that’s [total] and I’ll see you at the window.”

(When the car pulls up, I see two teenage girls, both with big smiles on their faces. I hand them their water and take their money before handing them their treat. Before handing the treat out, the passenger leans forward and speaks up loud enough for the entire kitchen to hear.)

Passenger: “That’s for you guys, on us! Friend told us y’all were having a bad day; we wanted to cheer you up! Have a great day!”

(It worked! It totally made my whole day so much better!)

(I’m on Skype with my girlfriend, complaining about PMS.)

Me: “I hurt. Make it better.”

Girlfriend: “And how exactly am I supposed to do that?”

Me: “I don’t know. Give me chocolate or something!”

Girlfriend: “Okay.”

(There’s a pause as I try to figure out what she’s doing, and she moves on to another subject. A couple days later, there’s a knock on the door. I open it to find a UPS worker with a large box. She actually sent me chocolate!)

(My girlfriend and I are snuggling after being intimate. I had been scratching an itch earlier, which had bothered her. I go to scratch again, when she grabs my hand, places it between her breasts, and starts yelling.)

Girlfriend: “The power of boobs compels you!”

Me: “That is so going up.”