(I’m on Skype with my girlfriend, complaining about PMS.)

Me: “I hurt. Make it better.”

Girlfriend: “And how exactly am I supposed to do that?”

Me: “I don’t know. Give me chocolate or something!”

Girlfriend: “Okay.”

(There’s a pause as I try to figure out what she’s doing, and she moves on to another subject. A couple days later, there’s a knock on the door. I open it to find a UPS worker with a large box. She actually sent me chocolate!)

(My girlfriend and I are snuggling after being intimate. I had been scratching an itch earlier, which had bothered her. I go to scratch again, when she grabs my hand, places it between her breasts, and starts yelling.)

Girlfriend: “The power of boobs compels you!”

Me: “That is so going up.”

(My boyfriend and I have just moved in together and are cuddling on the bed. We’re both half asleep and I’ve just said something cheesy.)

Me: “Oh, please. You love my cheese.”

Boyfriend: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “Stop whining! Don’t forget some wine. That goes well with cheese.”

Boyfriend: “There you go again. Can we just sleep?”

Me: “But, I’m on a roll!” *pause* “Those also go well with cheese.”

(My 8-year-old niece is spending the night. She and my 5-year-old son are sipping hot chocolate at the table.)

Niece: *in a business-like tone* “So, how’s your co-ffee?” *she emphasizes and elongates the syllables in the word ‘coffee’*

Son: *yelling* “It’s too black and too strong!”

(They burst into a fit of giggles and settle down.)

Niece: “Now it’s your turn!”

Son: *in the same tone and cadence as niece* “So, how’s your co-ffee?”

Niece: “It’s too black and too strong!”

(They burst into another fit of giggles and repeat a few more times, switching roles.)

(I refuse to buy cheap jeans because they wear out too quickly to be worth it. My mom often makes fun of me for this, especially since I have refused to try on any of the jeans at this store, despite how ‘cute’ she thinks they are. I come out, modelling a shirt.)

Mom: “That’s a great shirt on you! And those jeans are amazong!”

Me: “I know, right? These are incredible jeans, and comfy to boot!”

Mom: “See, I told you you’d like them! And they’re so cheap! Weren’t they only $15 a pair? You should go grab some more!”

Me: “Oh, no. These were a hundred dollars! They’re the jeans I walked in with.”

(My mom’s smile is quickly replaced with an annoyed expression.)

Mom: “You turkey! Get back in there and finish trying on clothes!”