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When You Care Enough To Send…Something

, , , | Right | March 17, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “So you want a dozen roses… what color would you like? Red?”

Customer: “NO! Not red! Let’s do pink… red means love, and I don’t want love. I just want to get laid!”

Me: “Okay… pink roses it is.”

Allergy Season Nightmare

, , , | Right | March 17, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Support]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: *yelling* “IS THIS TECH SUPPORT?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, it is. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My Internets are broken and I need you to fix it now.”

Me: “Okay, what’s your account number?”

Customer: “Ugh. You can’t just see it?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I have to look it up in our database.”

Customer: “S***. Fine, it’s [number].”

Me: “All right, just a moment here while I bring up the info…”

Customer: “Just hurry it up, will you?”

Me: “Okay, it’s coming up now…”

Customer: *sneezes*

(About ten seconds pass in silence. I can hear children talking in the background.)

Customer: “Excuse me…”

(I stay quiet, assuming she’s talking to the children.)

Customer: “EXCUSE ME!”

Me: “Sorry, were you speaking to me?”

Customer: “YES, YOU IDIOT! WHAT THE F*** is WRONG with you people?”

Me: “I’m sorry? I’m not sure I understand…”

Customer: “I SNEEZED AND YOU DIDN’T BLESS ME! WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF ATHEIST?! DON’T YOU REALIZE WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU DON’T BLESS SOMEONE WHEN THEY SNEEZE?”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I really don’t, but I apol–”

Customer: *interrupting* “YOU’RE A F****** HEATHEN! I HOPE YOU BURN IN H*** FOR THIS YOU…” *continues screaming*

Me: “Ma’am, I apologize if I’ve offended. I’ve found your account information, and it looks like your service was terminated three months ago.”

Customer: “YES! THAT’S HOW LONG IT’S BEEN DOWN! WHY CAN’T YOU FIX IT?!”

Me: “Because you don’t have an account with us anymore. You were canceled because of non-payment. If you’d like, I can transfer you to billing, and–”

Customer: *unintelligible screaming then hangs up*

Cow Skulls For The Numbskulls

, , , | Right | March 16, 2009

(A couple from up north comes into our tourist shop.)

Female Customer: “Oh look, honey!”

Husband: “Oh, wow!”

Female Customer: *points to little ceramic cow skull* “Ooh, could I see that?”

Me: “Sure…”

Female Customer: “Ooh, this is sooo pretty! What do you call them?”

Me: “Well, I call them ‘cow skulls.'”

Female Customer: “Ohhh, honey! She says they’re called “cow skulls”!

Honk Twice For Bird Barrage

, , , , , | Right | March 16, 2009

(I work at a call center for truck drivers.)

Me: “Thank you for calling the service center. My name is [My Name]. Are you experiencing a breakdown?”

Trucker: “Yeah, I need a new windshield.”

Me: “Okay, sir. What happened to your current windshield?”

Trucker: “A bird went through it.”

Me: “All right, a bird hit your windshield and cracked it, correct?”

Trucker: “No, the bird went THROUGH the windshield. It’s sitting in the passenger seat now and the windshield has a hole in it.”

Me: “So, what kind of bird is it?”

Trucker: “… a dead one.”


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Be Sure They Turn Left At The Bering Strait

| Right | March 16, 2009

(A man calls in and leaves the following voicemail…)

Caller: “Hello, you shysters! You have forty-eight hours to call me or I’ll have the RCMP come and arrest you for fraud. That’s right, the Mounties are coming!”

Me: *to manager* “So, a man is going to have the Mounties arrest me.”

Manager: “Really. Can they do that?”

Me: “Not in Utah.”

Manager: *laughs*

Me: “It gets better. I gave him the support number and the only people answering phones are in Australia or New Zealand. I’d like to see him sic the Mounties on THEM.”

Manager: “Let me know if he does!”