(I walk into a store without realizing I am wearing khakis and a red polo; they are the store’s uniform colors. A middle aged lady stops me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, can you tell me where to find the lamps?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry ma’am. I don’t work here.”

Customer: “Don’t you lie to me! You are still wearing your uniform! Obviously you work here!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but this just happens to be what I wore today.”

Customer: “HOW DARE YOU! I can’t believe you would treat a customer like this.”

(A manager walks up, focused on the yelling customer.)

Manager: “Ma’am, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I demand you fire this employee! He is refusing to help me!”

(The manager turns to talk to me. I see the surprise on his face, due to the fact that I am not one of his employees.)

Manager: “Is it true that you refused to help this woman?”

Me: “Yeah, I suppose…”

Manager: “Alright then, you’re fired.”

Me: “D*** man! Really?”

Manager: “Yes.”

(He turns back to the lady.)

Manager: “The lamps are over there, ma’am. I will personally take care of this troublemaker.”

(As the lady smugly walks off, he turns back to me.)

Manager: “Sorry about that. You don’t actually work here do you?”

Me: “Nope. You just fired me.”

(We share a laugh, and he takes me to the attached coffee house to buy me a drink.)

(I am filling boxes for to-go orders. An order comes back without a name, so my boss gives me permission to write ‘Dr. Who’ on the box.)

Boss: “We’ve got a to-go!”

Me: “Sorry guys, I don’t have enough information on these grilled cheese sandwiches. And there’s not a name or phone number.”

Boss: “Oh, shoot.”

Me: “Should we wait until they get here?”

Boss: “We’ll just give them cheddar. If they don’t want them, we’ll make them new ones.”

(I write up the boxes with ‘Dr. Who’ and make the order. I see a young man picking up the no-name order. The following week…)

Waitress: “We’ve got an order from Doctor Who!”

Me: “Wait, really?”

Waitress: “Yep. He told me on the phone that he liked what we did with the boxes.”

(I check the ticket. It’s the same thing the young man ordered last week, with ‘Dr. Who’ written in the name spot. Looks like one of our regulars has a new nickname!)

(I work in a dog training school. A client comes into my program with a very energetic Border Collie puppy.)

Client: “My puppy is out of control. We live on a farm and needed a dog for our livestock. This is not what I wanted.”

Me: “Okay, what is your puppy doing?”

Client: “Chasing my goats and chickens all over the place!”

Me: “Well this is a Border Collie, and they do herd. If the drive is not properly honed in to a herd, then a Border Collie will just chase.”

Client: “But, I do not want my dog to chase my animals at all.”

Me: “Then do not put your dog in with the animals.”

Client: “But, I need her to protect my animals.”

Me: “This is not what this breed was developed to do. This is an active, working breed that will chase.”

Client: “But, I need her to lie quietly and just watch the animals.”

Me: “It’s not in her breeding. What research did you do into Border Collies before you got one? Every piece of literature on dogs out there will tell you these are active dogs that will chase.”

Client: “Well, I asked some guy at the local feed store what a good dog for working livestock was. He suggested a few breeds. I saw Babe, so I got a Border Collie.”

Me: “Did you tell the feed store guy the type of job you wanted a dog to do?”

Client: “Work livestock.”

Me: “Work it how? Herding or guarding?”

(The client just gives me a blank stare.)

Me: “You have no idea the difference between herding and guarding?”

Client: “I thought they were the same.”

Me: “No. Have you had any farm experience?”

Client: “No, we’re from the city. We thought it would be fun to move to this county and buy a small farm. But, now we have coyotes killing our animals.”

Me: “So, you have no idea what you are doing at all?”

Client: “No. It’s not as easy as it looks on TV huh?”

Me: “No…”

(Luckily, they did learn more about Border Collies. They got into a suitable sport after doing basic work with me, and I guided them to people who could help them get a proper livestock guarding dog.)

This story is part of our Border Collie roundup!

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This story is part of the Puppy roundup!

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(I have ASD—autism spectrum disorder.)

Coworker: “What is it like to have ASD?”

Me: “Well, it’s not that bad really.”

(Just then, a customer walks into the chain.)

Me: “Oh, hello, ma’am. What would you like?”

Customer: “What’s not so bad?”

Me: “Oh, it’s just that I have ASD. I was being asked what it’s like to live with it.”

Customer: “What!?”

Me: “I’m sorry. What did I say?”

Customer: “YOU PEOPLE SHOULDN’T BE HERE!”

Me: “Ma’am, I have to work somehow.”

Customer: “GET OUT! YOU ARE TOO DISABLED TO WORK!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, she is one of the smartest people I know!”

Customer: “Bull-s***! You people are stupid! You are in wheelchairs, and drool out of your mouths!”

(All of a sudden the customer GRABS me by my shirt, and tries to pull me out of the counter. My friend tries to free me.)

Customer: “GET OUT! GET OUT! YOU’RE KILLING THE MARKET! GET OUT!”

(After three minutes of useless attempts to free me, my friend calls mall security. The yelling customer is dragged away, and is banned for life.)

This story is part of the Autism Awareness roundup!

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(We have started carrying a very popular toy line. We run out as soon as each shipment comes in.)

Customer #1: “Hey, I’d like to pick up [newest figure in the line], for my son.”

Me: “I’m sorry; we’re sold out of that one right now. We have another shipment coming in tomorrow. If you’d like to call in the morning, you can check then.”

Customer #1: “F****** ridiculous! Do you idiots think that this is a proper business model? I know that you have tons of them in the back room. You just put them out a few at a time to create demand!”

Me: “Trust me! With how fast this series is selling, we would put them on the shelves the moment we could.”

Customer #1: “Yeah, whatever. And they’re more expensive here than at [competing toy chain] anyway. Also, your displays are too confusing. And these video game displays are nothing but naked girls and guns! This place is disgusting! What message are you trying to send?!”

(Another customer intervenes.)

Customer #2: “This is a nation-wide company with thousands of stores. He’s standing behind the cash register on Tuesday night. No offense to him, but even if there was a corporate-wide toy conspiracy, does he look like he’d be in on it?”

Customer #1: “Still, I’m just… whatever. Idiotic place!”

(Customer #1 leaves in a huff.)

Customer #2: “Sorry, I don’t mean to imply that you’re not important.”

Me: “Oh, you don’t have to apologize. That made my night. Would you like a free poster?”