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The Bruce Lee Fantasy Will Have To Wait

, , | Right | March 2, 2009

(I’m ringing up a middle-aged mother for a Nintendo Wii System she’s buying for her son.)

Me: “Would you like to buy a Nunchuk as well?”

Customer: “H***, YEAH!”

Me: *taken aback by her enthusiasm* “All right… the Nunchuk is $19.99.”

Customer: “Only twenty bucks? My kid’s gonna love it.”

Me: *holding up the controller* “Uh, the Nunchuk is a controller… It’s just this right here.”

Customer: “Oh… then never mind.”

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Pure, Uncut Cyan & Magenta

, , , | Right | March 2, 2009

Customer: *looking at the printer ink* “Holy crap, this s*** is expensive!”

Me: “Well, we do price match any local competitor. All you have to do is–”

Customer: *interrupting* “You guys are like the modern-day crack dealers!”

Me: “Modern-day crack dealers?”

Customer: “Yeah, you sell the printers for real cheap and then you get us on the ink!”

Me: “Right… well, that’s how we get ya!”

A.I.: Alarming Idiocy

, , , , , | Right | March 2, 2009

(I pick up a phone call transferred from our operator and hear what’s clearly a kid on the phone with parents in the background.)

Me: “Thanks for calling Burbank [Store], How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, my video game system stopped working. I want you to fix it.”

Me: “Well, what seems to be the problem with the system?”

Customer: “There are red lights on it. Is that those ‘rings of death’?”

Me: “The red lights are kind of an error message. When did purchase the system?”

Customer: “It’s, like, a year old.”

Me: “Did you purchase our protection plan?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, you’d have to contact customer service for that manufacturer to see if they would still cover the product.”

Customer: “Oh, I bought it at [Competitor]. Would I call them? Could they fix it? I don’t want to talk to the robots!”

Me: “Yeah, if you bought it at another retailer you should probably either contact them or the manufacturer–”

Customer: *interrupting* “I said no robots; I don’t want to talk to the robots!”

Me: “Okay… you can file a claim on the manufacturer’s website, or call the retailer you actually purchased the system from. There’s nothing I can really do for you if you didn’t purchase it through our store.”

Customer: *whining* “I don’t want to talk to the robots! I’ll have my mom call the robots.” *hangs up*

Me: “…”

Is That A Pinot Noir In Your Pocket…

, , , , | Right | February 27, 2009

(I work as a bagger at the local grocery store. An old man walks through the checkout lane with spandex pants on and what appears to be a wine bottle stuffed down.)

Cashier: “Sir, there is no way in h*** that you are THAT well-endowed. Get your butt back here!”

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, , , , | Right | February 27, 2009

(I work as a receptionist at a place where they cut little kid’s hair. This one lady walks into the store with her child and decides to get her daughter’s hair cut).

Hairstylist: “Okay, before we start, are you sure you want this much off?” *shows length*

Customer: “Yes.”

Hairstylist: “Are you absolutely sure? It’s very very short, you want it ALL off of your daughter?”

Customer: “Yes! Yes! I know what I want, I know what my daughter wants!”

Hairstylist: “Okay, if you’re sure.”

(She proceeds to cut the kid’s hair up to the desired length. The mother then starts wandering out of the store.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, may I suggest you please stay in the store? We want to make sure you see what is happening with your daughter’s cut.”

Customer: “But I have to go shopping. It’ll be fine.”

Me: “Yes, but we aren’t a babysitting service–”

Customer: “I’ll be right back!”

(The customer leaves. The hairstylist finishes the cut and the poor kid is waiting for her mom. She sits in a corner and plays with some toys until her mother comes back.)

Customer: *eyeing the haircut* “What!? It’s too short! Who said I gave you permission to cut it that short!”

Hairstylist: “But ma’am, I asked you three ti–”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I come in here and I pay all this money and you don’t do it the way I want it!”

Me: “But–”

Customer: “She’s supposed to be at a piano recital today! Now she’s going to be upset and can’t play! I can’t show her to the other parents now! I’m calling the cops!”

Me: “…What?”

Customer: “I SAID I’M CALLING THE COPS, give me your phone!”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I don’t think the police will be interested in this. I can try and get the hairstylist to fix it for you–”

Customer: “I’M GOING!”

(She takes her child and storms out of the store.)

Hairstylist: “I take it she didn’t leave me a tip.”

Me: “She didn’t pay either…”

(I ended up calling mall security, and she sheepishly comes back later after calming down. A few months later, she comes back and wants the same hairstylist again. Go figure!)