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Unholier Than Thou

, , | Right | April 6, 2009

Me: “Thank you for your purchase, Mr. [Customer’s Name]!”

(Out of nowhere, the guy literally goes insane and starts to jump over the counter, screaming…)

Customer: “How dare you take my name in vain!”

(Luckily, my manager is a bouncer for his second job and walks over.)

My Manager: “What’s going on?”

Customer: “Nothing…” *back to normal, leaves quietly*

(Gassy) Rumblings Of Discontent

, , | Right | April 6, 2009

(I run an overnight shift at the store. It’s New Year’s Eve and we’ve got cars around the store when we receive a phone call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Fast Food Place]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah… I just came through your drive-thru an hour ago and bought some potato wedges.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Well, I got home and ate them, and now I’ve been sitting on the toilet for the past half hour because of your food.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “So I wanna know who’s responsible for this?”

Me: “Honestly, sir, we cannot take responsibility for your stomach problems.”

Customer: “Well, someone’s buying me a new pack of toilet paper because I’m out, and I’ll be d***ed if it’s me.”

Me: “Sir, we cannot pay for any household products…”

Customer: “Then why’d you sell me the wedges?!”

This story is part of the New Year’s Eve roundup!

Read the next New Year’s Eve roundup story!

Read the New Year’s Eve roundup!

This story is part of the Drive-Thru roundup!

Read the next Drive Thru roundup story!

Read the Drive-Thru roundup!

Blind As A Bat Out Of Hell

, , , | Right | April 6, 2009

(One day, a lady walked into our hair salon and said she had an appointment. We looked through the client list, but couldn’t find it.)

Me: “Sorry, but I can’t find your appointment here. Are you sure it was today?”

Customer: “Of course! I demand an appointment now!”

Me: “Well, I’m really sorry. I can’t find you on the system. We’re booked out today, but I can put up a new appointment for you if you want.”

Customer: “This is bull! I booked an appointment a long time ago. Give me an appointment now, or I’ll call the police!”

Me: “Well what were you going to do? Maybe I can fit you in between two other clients.”

Customer: “I was going to get my eyes checked and get new glasses!”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Ma’am, the optical store is next door.”

Customer: “Uh… well…” *gives me a dirty look and leaves*

At Least He Can Tell Time

, , , | Right | April 4, 2009

College Student: “Do you have any stamps?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. This is a library.”

College Student: “But I need to buy some stamps.”

Me: “I can’t help you. We don’t sell stamps in the library. You should try the post office in [college building] tomorrow.”

College Student: “But I need the stamps now. Can’t I just have some stamps?”

Me: “Listen, libraries don’t sell stamps. The post office will sell you stamps tomorrow morning when it opens. But right now, in this building, I can not sell you stamps.”

College Student: “So you’ll sell me stamps tomorrow?”

Me: “Listen, you can’t even mail anything on a Sunday evening. Why don’t you come back later?”

(Not surprisingly, he came back at 8 the next morning demanding stamps.)

How About We Get Them To Do An Irish Jig For You

, , | Right | April 4, 2009

(A customer is looking at the live fish swimming in the tank at the supermarket where my mom works.)

Customer: “Are these fresh?”

Mom: “They’re alive.”

Customer: “But are they FRESH?”

Mom: “…yes.”