(I am making Valentine’s Day cookies, in the hopes of winning over my crush. I try, to the best of my ability, to make the cookies look like hearts.)

Me: “Happy Valentine’s Day!”

(I open the cookie tin. My crush stifles a laugh.)

Me: “What?”

Crush: “They look like butts.”

(She eats one.)

Crush: “This is still very sweet! And they taste amazing!”

Me: “But, they’re supposed to be hearts.”

Crush: “No, no, it’s great as is! I love these!”

(We are now dating. I still make her butt cookies whenever there’s a special event!)

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(My mom and dad are sitting in the car, arguing about something stupid. My mother gives him a look.)

Dad: “Don’t look at me like I’m stupid and you’re not!”

(My sister, brother-in-law, and I are driving home at night.)

Me: “When I walked into your house this morning, the TV caught my eye.”

Brother-In-Law: “What was on?”

Me: “Sesame Street. Cookie Monster wanted to get in to the Cookie Connoisseur Club.”

Brother-In-Law: “Oh, and he wasn’t following the rules; he got kicked out!”

Me: “Yeah. I felt so sad for him. He finally found a place where people understand him, but they wouldn’t let him stay.”

Brother-In-Law: “He couldn’t follow the rules. Rules are important in places like that.”

Me: “I know; it was just sad. He finally found the one place he’d been looking for his whole life, and they couldn’t even accept him.”

Brother-In-Law: “It’s not like the rules were that hard to follow. He wasn’t asked to run a marathon and climb a mountain before eating the cookies. He just had to look, sniff, and taste. If those rules were too hard, then maybe he didn’t belong there.”

Me: “Well, that just makes things even more sad. He thought he found where he belonged; it turned out he didn’t fit in there either.”

Sister: “Do you guys realize that you’re having a serious conversation about Cookie Monster. A puppet on a children’s show?”

Me: “He just wanted to eat cookies with people who understand him! Isn’t that what we all want?”

(My sister and I share a room. It is two in the morning, and I am almost asleep. My sister is still wide awake, and is tugging at my sheets.)

Me: “What do you want?”

Sister: “I want waffles.”

Me: “I’m sleeping.”

(She continues tugging at my sheets. I grunt and roll over.)

Sister: “Waffles.”

Me: “God help your boyfriend one day.”

(My family and I are on a road trip. My younger brother is sitting directly behind me, playing Minecraft. He is narrating his every move in the game aloud to all of us. My parents are usually very strict on refusing to let us fight and tease one another, but even they are just about at their wits’ end with the game narration.)

Brother: “Again!? There’s a stupid brainless zombie behind me!”

Me: “Oh, what a coincidence! There’s one behind me, too!”

(I didn’t hear another word about Minecraft for the rest of the drive; my parents never said anything about it either.)