(My colleagues and I are in a diner. One of their specials on the menu is the “Big Man Breakfast”, which has waffles, sausage, two eggs, and toast. The waitress is taking our orders.)

Me: “I’ve got a question. Can I have the Big Man Breakfast, but with bacon instead of sausage?”

Waitress: “I’m sorry; we don’t allow substitutions.”

Me: “Ah, alright. Well, I really want bacon instead of sausage, so I’ll just pay extra if that’s alright.”

Waitress: *sighs* “No, we don’t do substitutions.”

Me: “I understand that. I’m no longer asking for the Big Man Breakfast, but just the items in the Big Man Breakfast for whatever those individual items cost, with bacon instead of sausage.”

Waitress: “I just told you: we don’t do any substitutions.”

Me: “Right, it’s not the Big Man Breakfast I’m ordering, but just the individual items from the meal, but with bacon.

Waitress: “Yes, and as I said, we can’t do that. No substitutions.”

Me: *gives up* “Okay. Can I have waffles, two eggs, toast, and bacon, please?”

Waitress: “Sure, how would you like your eggs?”

(During the winter months, I’m a regular user of the local taxi service. One night, they have a new guy. Note that I work at a call center.)

Driver: “So what do you do between calls up there?”

Me: “Oh, play with my dinosaur toys.”

Driver: “You’re HOW old?”

Me: “…Old enough to not care.”

Driver: “Does your boyfriend know you play with dinosaur toys?”

Me: “I’m actually engaged to a woman in England, but yes, she does.”

Driver: “…Oh.”

(A man bursts through the doors in a panic.)

Man: “Did you need me to call the police?”

(I am very confused.)

Me: “What?”

Man: “That must have been terrifying! How much did he take?”

Me: “Sir, I’m not sure what you’re talking about. Slow down.”

Man: “I was walking down the street when I saw a guy walk out of here carrying a gun!”

(I stare at him for several seconds.)

Me: “Sir, have you looked around? Did you see our sign on the way in?”

Man: “No, why?”

Me: “Sir, this is a gun store. He bought it here.”

March 2013 Top Story Roundup: Here are Not Always Right’s top-rated stories for the month of March!

1. Judge A Sandwich On Its Filling (4,358 thumbs up)
2. Bigotry Unleashed (3,921 thumbs up)
3. Tip Of The Entree Iceberg (3,778 thumbs up)
4. Getting Into Double-Double Trouble (3,272 thumbs up)
5. The Darkest Coffee Lightens The Mood (3,179 thumbs up)

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

(This story took place during my junior year of high school. The teacher is walking around class, discussing the story we’re reading.)

Intercom: “Teachers and students, we are [well-known codeword for ‘we’re going into lock-down mode’], NOW!”

(All of us students immediately get fidgety and look to the teacher expecting him to tell us what to do, but he just keeps droning on, ignoring the intercom announcement.)

Me: *nervously* “Um, Mr. [Name], did you hear the announcement?”

Teacher: “What announcement?”

Me: “They just told us to go into lock-down.”

(The teacher just smirks at me with a ‘nice try’ look, while some of the other students try to vouch for me. He ignores me and just returns to his lecture. Some of the other students begin getting nervous too, and I see a few glancing towards the door when he’s not looking, as if they want to try and secretly lock it. We’re all quiet while he continues to lecture. Suddenly, the door flies opens and I about jump out of my seat.)

Principal: “Why aren’t you in lock-down?! Mr. [Teacher], please step outside with me immediately!”

(The principal turns off the lights and tells us to be quiet while she takes the teacher into the halls to get on his case. Luckily, it was just a drill, otherwise, we could have been in real danger!)