(Two of my friends walk up to an adult to sign out from lunch.)

Lady: “Where are you two going?”

Friend 1: “To the library. May we sign out?”

Lady: “Yes, what are your names?”

Friend 1: “My name is Francisco Olivera.”

Lady: “Okay, and you?”

Friend 2: “Ryan.”

Lady: “What’s that?”

Friend 2: “My name is Ryan.”

Lady: “I still didn’t get that…”

Friend 2: “MY NAME IS RYAN, R. Y. A. N., RYAN!”

(I’m an IT student worker at a university. My boss often slips in and out to troubleshoot and do other work on campus and leaves me to handle the office while he’s gone. The dean of the college walks in while my he’s out.)

Dean: “Where’s [boss’ name]?”

Me: “He’s out of the office at the moment.”

Dean: “I can see that. I mean, where is he?”

Me: “I’m not sure; he didn’t say when he left, but he will be back in about a half an hour.”

Dean: “What do you mean you don’t know? Didn’t you ask him?”

Me: “No, I didn’t. I assumed he had a good reason to leave.”

Dean: “I can’t believe he’d hire someone like you. You didn’t even ask where he went. How can he expect you to handle any problems that pop up?”

Me: “Ma’am, I understand your frustration, but [boss] will be back in a few minutes and you can ask him what you need. If you have a technology issue, I’d be happy to help; otherwise you can try his cell phone or shoot him an email.”

Dean: “Next time, be sure to ask him where he’s going. Don’t be so stupid.”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, last week I received a letter signed by you saying I made the Dean’s List and the Chancellor’s List for academic honors.”

Dean: *slightly embarassed* “Oh… 4.0, huh?”

(My wife and I are with friends of ours, playing a game called Fluxx. Part of the game is to change the rules. I work out a particularly complicated combination. The goal of the game at this point is ‘All you need is Love’. Basically, you win if the only card you have in play is ‘Love’. I am handing cards to everyone else, including my wife.)

Me: “And to you, I give Love!”

Wife: “Oh, that’s so sweet and charming! Thank you!”

Me: “And now I steal your hand.”

Wife: “Wait, what?”

Me: “And now I play Love, and then I win!”

Wife: “That… that…”

Me: “Imagine how much worse you would feel if I had given Love to somebody else and used them to win.”

Wife: “All right. You have a point.”

(I work in a bookstore. I notice a woman listening to her iPod and mouthing the words, as she looks through the teen fiction section. I read her lips, go over, and tap her on the shoulder. She turns around, pausing the song.)

Woman: “Oh, I’m sorry; do you want me to turn it down?”

Me: “No, I just… are you listening to You’re Gonna Go Far, Kid?”

Woman: “… yes?”

Me: “I love that song.”

(She immediately beams, and unzips her jacket to reveal an Offspring shirt.)

Woman: “Me, too!”

Me: “That’s…”

(She holds out the book in her hands; a fairly popular horror novel.)

Woman: “I don’t suppose you like Kendare Blake?”

Me: “… so, I get off in half an hour. I don’t suppose you would want to go get coffee?

Woman: “As long as I can pay.”

(That was a year ago. I proposed to her last week.)

(I am babysitting my three-year-old nephew. He has only just begun using the ‘big boy’ toilet.)

Nephew: “I just had a big boy poop!”

Me: “Good job, buddy! Did you clean yourself up really well when you were done?”

Nephew: “Nah, my underwear gets it.”