(Note: many of the buildings in Milwaukee’s downtown area are connected to one another via a series of skywalks. I frequently use a skywalk that cuts through the downtown shopping center into the building I work in. This happens as I’m walking through the store and heading to work.)

Employee: “Miss? Excuse me! Miss!”

Me: “Um…yeah?”

Employee: “The register is that way…” *points to a register*

Me: “Uh, yeah, I see that. I’m actually not doing any shopping today.” *gestures towards the sky-walk entrance* “I’m just on my way to work, so—”

Employee: “Well, you’re going to have to pay for that mug first!”

(I look down and realize that my coffee cup, partially filled with coffee that I’ve been drinking, was indeed from that very store.)

Me: “This is my cup, though. I already bought this weeks ago. I really don’t have time for this; I’m sorry.”

(I starts to walk towards the exit, but the employee jumps in front of me, blocking my way.)

Employee: “Unless you can show me a receipt, you’re not going ANYWHERE!”

Me: “I don’t have a receipt! I bought this sometime last month! I don’t exactly make a habit of carrying old receipts on me just in case someone thinks I stole something! Seriously, I have to get to work. If you don’t move, I’m going to personally make a call into your HR department about this.”

Employee: “Well, go right ahead! I’d like to see you give that attitude to loss prevention! I radioed for them as soon as I saw you walking with that cup!”

(Indeed, only a few moments later, a uniformed LP officer comes up.)

LP Officer: “What exactly is going on here?”

Employee: *points to my coffee cup* “That! She’s trying to walk out with that!”

LP Officer: “That’s what you think she stole?!”

Employee: “No, I know she stole it! We sell them, and I see her walking through here all the time and never buying anything! She’s always in a hurry, too!”

LP Officer: “Yeah, and she just had some random coffee laying around in her purse that she dumped in the cup to make it look like she brought it from home?”

Employee: “Uh… well… I didn’t notice.”

Me: “Okay, seriously? Can I go now?”

LP Officer: “Yeah, you go on ahead. I’m awfully sorry about all this. If you’d like, I’ll take your name and number down, and you can file a complain about this whole incident.”

(I give the LP officer my info and rush off to work. About three days later, I got a call from both the manager and the district HR department, saying the employee was fired. They also offered me a $100 gift card to the store for the inconvenience.)

(An extremely irate customer approaches me with a can of paint that has barely any product left in it.)

Customer: “You guys made a mistake! I want my money back right now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am; what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “This paint made my walls green! If I wanted green, I would have purchased green!”

(I take the nearly-empty can of paint, and pry off the lid. Inside, the color showing is a vivid, aqua-marine blue.)

Me: “Hmm. Let me check this out for you.”

(The customer smugly smiles and puts her hands on her hips. I grab a wooden paint stirrer and scrape the bottom of the can. I look at the stick, and see that there is a very vivid, aqua-marine blue at the base of the stick.)

Me: “Ma’am, did you put any primer on your walls before you painted them?”

Customer: “No! I just painted over the color that was already there!”

Me: “Of course. And, can you please tell me the color of the original wall?”

Customer: “It was yellow.”

Me: “And yellow, plus blue, makes?”

Customer: “Gree—oh…”

Me: “May I help you with a selection of primers?”

(Our manager is just about to clock out, when he notices a young man in his late teens looking around nervously and acting jittery. The young man goes into the fitting room carrying a $5 t-shirt, and then comes out with an obvious bulge in his pocket.)

Manager: “Excuse me, young man. What do you have in your pocket?”

Young Man: “I ain’t got nothin’ man. I don’t know what you talkin’ bout.”

Manager: “Okay, sir. How about you walk back with me to the fitting room, and we see about that t-shirt you just took in there.”

Young Man: “I ain’t done nothin’ man.”

(The young man takes off, practically racing our manager to the fitting room in an attempt to remove the shirt from his pocket. He has misjudged our manager and is caught.)

Manager: “Alright, we are going to take you back to my office and call the police.”

Young Man: “No man, I’ll pay for it! Just let me pay for it!”

Manager: “No, sir! I asked you what you had. I gave you a chance to come clean. You lied to me. We are calling the police!”

Young Man: “Man, just let me pay for it?!”

(Our manager is infuriated by having the kid lie to him, then having to chase him to the fitting room, and at having to stay an extra hour after his scheduled time to take care of this kid; so he cuffs him. One of my co-workers has a front row seat for the entire exchange. All she can do is laugh, because this stupid boy just got himself into a whole world of trouble over a $5 t-shirt.)

(We have a large flying saucer in the children’s play area. A respectable looking customer comes over to me as I’m stocking shelves nearby.)

Customer: “Excuse me, why is that flying saucer there?”

Me: “Oh, we have that there for the kids to play in while their parents shop.”

Customer: “No, I mean what is it doing on the ground?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Well it’s not called a flying saucer for nothing; it should be flying!”

Me: “Well, I—”

Customer: *singing* “Starships were meant to flyyyyyyy!”

(I’m a customer at a supermarket, in line behind a 30-40 year old woman, along with two other girls who appear late teens or early twenties. One of their items is a wine cooler. The woman points to the alcohol and starts chatting.)

Customer: “I’m getting this for my dog; he loves [wine]!”

Cashier: “Alright, I’ll need to see your companions’ IDs before I can sell this to you.”

Customer: “She hasn’t got anything to do with me; this is mine!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry; I can’t legally sell it to you until I’m sure they aren’t minors.”

Customer: “Well I don’t know who she is. Just let me buy it!”

Cashier: “I can’t; I could lose my job.”

Customer: “Just get your d*** manager!”

(The cashier calls the manager to the register.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

Cashier: “This woman came in with these two, wanting to buy alcohol, and went off when I said I needed their ID.”

Customer: “D*** right I went off! This b**** better give me my [wine]. I don’t even know those two!”

Manager: “Well, I’m sorry, but it’s law. I can’t sell it to you.”

Customer: “Whatever.”

(She swipes the card, then turns to the younger woman she supposedly doesn’t know.)

Customer: “Put your PIN in!”

Younger Woman: “You don’t need it.”

Customer: “Yes I do; I don’t know it!”

(The very embarrassed younger woman types in the PIN, and the three leave together.)

Me: *to the cashier* “I’m sorry you had to deal with that.”

Cashier: “All day long.”